Getting it All Out--

This could be one of those post's that goes on and on.  I have so much to say, but I don't know where to start.  So, I guess I should just do it.  All of my life I have been one to... tell it like it is... so the fact that I don't feel like I'm that person anymore bothers me. There are certain people I can vent on, like my Mother...but to most I just stay quiet.  I've thrived on Being a positive person and an optimist. I've always been the one that people come to when they are in time of crisis or on the verge of crisis or if only for someone with some sensibility to talk to. I don't sugar coat things, but I'm also not brutal. I would say I tell the truth with love and compassion. I'm very good at giving advice if I could only take my own.

The people who really know me know that I'm not, what do I want to call it.......Happy?  Um, no...that's not the word I'm looking for because I choose to be happy even though I'm not okay.  My life is all jumbled up with so many things happening in the past few years that I've posted a little about, but not all of it.  Not the really awful stuff that sends me to bed crying some nights. I have a list of unsettled thoughts that rage through my mind. I am bitter and hurt and just down right disappointed with almost everyone in my family. I'm not talking about my immediate family, though I will eventually come to them too.

When my parents got divorced I was still a young Mom.  I got married straight out of high school to a boy (because I refuse to call him a man), in fact he's still not a man in my opinion but that is not what this is about.  Anyway- that lasted about a half a second and a whole life time ago, but anyway.  I only bring that up because that is when it all first started with my parents which you can read about here.They don't Swing anymore... I would like to say that times and things have changed, but they haven't.  If anything it has gotten worse, or at least worse for me.

I have always been able to talk to my Mom about the things that unsettle me--though I feel guilty that out of the four of them she is the only one that gets the wrath of my angry tongue at times.  Take for instance this evening.  It was almost 9:00 p.m. when the door opened and I heard her voice.  The first thing I thought was that my Grandmother was gone, why else would my Mom, who never comes around or calls to see how things are be here and at almost past her bedtime?

 It was about my Grandmother--but she is still kicking it, just in the hospital in the emergency room right now. She has been in the nursing home now for about a month getting rehabilitation if you can rehabilitate an 84 year old grouchy woman.  Yes, I probably shouldn't call her that, but that's what she is. She is down right mean and because I'm just putting it out there, I've been very angry with her too. I haven't been to see her. Is that bad?  Should I have gotten over it and went to see her since I don't know how long she is going to be around?  I've thought about it a few times.  If she passes and I haven't communicated with her in a nice way before she goes--will I feel guilty? Will I carry around with me some sort of remorse for not having pulled up my big girl pants and moved on because she is my Grandmother and the only one I have left?

After Mom told me what was going on--which is that she threw up when she was outside smoking a cigarette with my Dad and then kind of was disoriented when he went in to get help. I guess the staff put her in the shower to clean her up and she passed out and was unresponsive but they put oxygen on her and she came around. Mary told my Mom that when they brought her out of the bathroom she was white as a ghost and they had called an ambulance and now my Dad is at the hospital with her.  I called him about an hour ago to check on her and they had done a cat scan and a chest x-ray but that she was talking and he will call me in the morning unless something goes bad tonight. I can only hope my phone doesn't ring.

See, I love my Grandma with all my heart, but I can't put up with or tolerate her meanness. My Mom informed me tonight that it is not just me that has had it out with her.  Probably because before my Mom even asked I said, " I haven't been out there to see her and No, I'm not sorry." OMG--that is SO NOT LIKE THE PERSON I ONCE WAS.  So, why am I angry with her?

To make a long story short--LOL--that's not gonna happen but anyway.  After my Grandpa passed away on June 2nd, she had been living in that big house by herself. She has not been in the best of health for sometime and honestly, I thought she would go before he did.  My Dad was the one who had to deal with all the stuff when Grandpa passed on and felt obligated to take care of Grandma--which he is and has done very well.  He and I talked one day and he was wearing thin.  She's got that Indian blood in her is why I say she is full of fire, but for my Dad to get a break, because my Aunt who also lives here had to go on a vacation to get away from her. I asked Grandma if my daughter, Kacie could come stay with her and help her out for three weeks while her boyfriend had yearly training for the Army Guard?  Grandma was delighted with the idea and said that it would be great to have her, that she would love to.  Fast forward now to the day that Kacie came over with her stuff and was taking it over to Grandmas house.  She was very rude to my daughter and told her that she could not stay there.  So Kacie texted me and I went over.  It was not a pretty sight.  I was pissed off and her and I got into a yelling match.  Grandma was very mean to me and said some not very nice things about my child which upset me even more.  She acted like Kacie was moving in with her when she was only going to be there to 1. Give my dad a break and 2. Be there to help Grandma.  The words coming from that old woman's mouth were like vinegar.  Telling me that she couldn't put up with her and that I needed to bring her home, where she belonged.  I know someone said something to her about Kacie staying there and that is why she had a change of heart and I know exactly who it was too, though she would not say.  So, I haven't spoke to her since.  Maybe to someone else it wouldn't have effected them like it did me, but the shit she was saying about Kacie and the kind of person my child is was not right.  She not only owed me an apology, but she owed my daughter one as well.

My Mom was only here for a few minutes, but in that few minutes, I told her that I was sick of it all.  That I don't know what happened to our family, as at one time we were all close, but if I could, I would sell this house and run far far away from everyone. Not that they would notice or anything, but whatever! She was like, "well you don't come and see me?" And she is right. I don't go over there a lot because for One, I get tired of being heckled by her husband who usually makes me feel like a piece of shit and Two, because we can't really talk with Andy and Jennifer there.  Oh yeah, my 30 year old step- sister lives with my Mom and Andy now.  She lived with my Dad and Mary for a year and my Dad told her when the year was up that she would need to get her own place.  LOL~  Yeah, right!  Why would she do that when she can squat on the other set? But again that could be another story to tell.

I hate feeling the way that I do about all of them.  I hate being bitter and angry. I hate that they still are not grandparents. I hate that nothing has changed though there for a while we (Mark and I) were having them all out for cookouts for a few weeks this summer.  Cookouts that everyone was invited to, but for some unknown to me reason, my brother will not come to anything here.  Yet another story to tell.

Like I said, I could go on and on, but I will stop for now.  I did tell my Mom as I was starting to get upset that it wasn't fair for me to get all over her for the few minutes that she was here.  I love my Family--I just wish we were a FAMILY!