A Daily Rant--my online diary

It's been a good day I suppose.  I went to see my new primary doctor and spent over an hour going through all of my medical history.  I really like her as she is a very personal person.  She was telling me today about her last position, which was in a prison.  We talked about our families and she informed me that after nineteen years of marriage she left her husband who was a womanizer.  She has been single for 22 years now and said she wouldn't have it any other way.  We laughed a lot at this visit.  As she was going through my twelve million prescription bottles checking dosage and all that she asked me what time I go to bed at night?  Well, like I told her...that all depends on when I pass out.  She thought that was really hysterical and so not what most patients tell her though I i explain that I wasn't talking about alcohol, but that I don't sleep well and usually just stay up until I feel like I can sleep.  She upped my amitriptaline to 50mg at bedtime, so we will see.  She also took x-rays of my shoulder and I'm scheduled for an emg study on the 20th.  Then maybe something can be done to get this pain away for good!  I don't want to have surgery because I don't heal well or fast, but if I have to I will.  I started on Savella a few months back and it has been wonderful.  I can actually get out of bed in the morning and walk without feeling every part of my body hurting.

My Grandma is still in the hospital but I was told by a friend at the Freshman football game tonight that she is going to be going back to the nursing home tomorrow.  I have decided that I'm going to make myself go see her this weekend.  I'm over it I guess~  pulling my big girl pants up now.

  Speaking of the Freshman football game tonight...WE WON!  Whoot Whoot--22-18 and we were losing at half time, but not by much.  This is the first win of the season for any of our football teams so the Freshman boys should be pretty proud of themselves.  They played hard and tough.  Austin got over a 100 yards rushing and busted open his chin again.  I'm going to have to get him a different chin strap and see what I can come up with to keep it from breaking open.

I received a phone call at 7:30 this morning from my oldest.  She has been thinking about moving out of her boyfriend's house now for a while and she finally told him last night that she is leaving.  They haven't gotten a long in some time now and all they do is argue.  I can see both sides of it, but like I told her...she's not married to him and she doesn't have to stay there. So, she is coming home for a while.  I hope only for a little while since we really don't have a room for her anymore.  When the older girls moved out, their room was transformed into Austin's room and I'm not going to take his room away from him now.  We will make it work for as long as we have to.  She's not been happy for a very long time and I have been really worried about her.  She never smiles anymore and even when they were here together they would try to get her dad and I into their arguments.  She want's more out of a relationship than he is willing to give.  He doesn't like her friends and doesn't like going with her to anything where he will have to be social.  That really bothers her which she is entitled too, but she want's him to be someone that he is not.  He is who he is as she is who she is. In his defense, she is a control freak.  She would treat him like a child and order him around like he was her man servant.  I told her a few months ago that she needs to relax.  Every little thing bothers her and she is always so stressed out about everything. This is the time in her life that she should be having fun and finding herself as a woman and who she want's to be.
She has asked me for my opinion several times and all I can tell her is that she has to make that decision on her own.  I cannot tell her what she should do in her relationship, but that expecting him to be something that he isn't isn't fair to him either.  I did tell her though that she needed to find out why she was even there.  Now, if she was staying, being unhappy because she loved him and wanted to try to make it work then fine.  But if she is only there because it is a place to live where she doesn't have to pay for anything but her own bills, then she was there for the wrong reason.  I know the last place she want's to come to is home...and I don't blame her, but she cannot afford to live on her own.  So, we will see.

Since she first came to me to talk about this, I've been thinking a lot about things.  She is 20 years old. She is actually older than I was when I walked into her life.  When I was her age, I was taking care of three children. I had already been married and was working on getting a divorce.  Putting it into perspective--THAT'S JUST CRAZY!  If one of my girls came to me today and told me that they were getting involved in a relationship like I did...I would go ape ass nuts on them. Not that it would matter, but really.  I'm not saying that I regret my life in any way, I'm just saying that I raised my daughters to find themselves first.  To go out there and get their lives together before settling down with anyone.

I was over protective of them...I know that, and I knew it then.  I just didn't want them making some of the mistakes that I made and thought that by talking to them and telling them some of what I went through would make them want to be different. I want them to be independent women.  Independent in knowing that they could take care of themselves and didn't need anyone to help them.  I remember one time when Kacie and I were arguing and who even knows what about now, but she liked throwing in my face that she wasn't stuck here like I am.  That's not the only thing she would throw at me, but in a sense, she is right.

I blame myself somewhat for the fact that my daughters feel that arguing and fighting about everything is normal.  They've been raised in a home where there is a lot of arguing or at least there used to be.  Now, I don't care enough to argue. I don't have the last word and a lot of times, I just don't say anything at all.   I feel the way I do and he feels the way he does.  We haven't communicated well with each other for several years now.  Our lack of communication started as the children started getting older and we got involved in all of our community events.  Money and kids--isn't that what all parents argue about?

I have a lot to get off my chest and it may take me a while to do it.  But time--that is something that I have and am thankful that I do.

Living, Hoping and having Faith that everything does happen for a reason~  Angie