I woke up Monday morning and took the kids to school then came home and crashed, which is something I rarely do. I was tired from all the dreaming I had been doing and was in the middle of when the alarm woke me up. I had to realize as I was dreaming what the noise was and come out of that state, which always makes me feel lethargic. To be honest, I don't remember driving them to school or coming home. I know I was awake~ going through the physical motions, but intentionally wanting to remember every detail of where I had just came from. Once my head hit the pillow I went right back which very seldom can I do.
I know I was somewhere else, completely out of this realm and in another life. A very good friend of mine growing up who passed away a few years ago was there and it was just him and I. We were talking about life and what happened to him...how he died. He knew where we were, as if he had taken me to where he is. It was very peaceful...this place. We were walking through a dense forest which opened up into a clearing and beyond that were mountains and a glorious rainbow. There were butterflies and fields of sunflowers and on top of the mountain I could see someone but they were so far away that I didn't recognize or know who the person was. I wish I had written the dream down because as the day wore on the memory of our conversation started to escape me. He was telling me things which in my dream I understood, but once I was awake could not recall. It was so Real being there with him and I happy, but yet sad. Michael meant a lot to me growing up--we had a connection that I still can't explain. I miss him and his beautiful face and piercing blue eyes. His hugs and his smile and all the good times we had.
When I awoke I laid in bed for a few minutes unsettled by it all. I got up and poured my cup of coffee then proceeded to the living room, sat down in my chair and flipped on the television for my CNN fix. I started another pot of fresh coffee and threw a load of laundry in and unloaded the dishwasher all the while still thinking about the dream and why? I've dreamed of Michael since his death, but this one was different.
About an hour later my phone rang. Normally, if I don't have a number in my phone and know who it is I don't answer, but it was a 217 number plus my phone has been acting stupid lately and a lot of my contacts haven't been showing up. It was Dayla~ a friend, but not someone who would just call me up out of the blue to chit chat. She started talking and asking me questions about doing a benefit, or how to go about doing one and if I would be interested in helping. Then she said it......... Cindy only has a few days left! I couldn't breathe and felt the tears welling all the while she was telling me about her being at home now after telling the hospital that she wanted to be there. How they had turned their bedroom into a hospice room. I know I didn't say anything for a few minutes and told her she was going to have to give me a second to comprehend all of this. I told her I was hanging up and going down to her house, which I did...and have been there every day since.
Cindy, though in the past few years I have distanced myself from for selfish and self preserving (or so I thought) feelings is one of the truest and best friends I have. I didn't put the distance between us by myself...she did it too and in my heart I, as she know's why. When she was diagnosed the dr's gave her five years tops to live. I watched her go through chemo over and over again. The first time she lost all of her hair she was very self conscience about it and hated wearing the wigs. I told her more than once that I'd shave my head if it made her feel better, but instead we became the bandanna wearing bitches. We did everything together up until like I said, the past few years. After she hit the five year mark it was really hard. She talked a lot about dying, and I kept telling her she wasn't going to die. She would fight and she would win! But now, the time is short and I need more. Being helpless and having to face the fact that she is going to die has not been something I have ever wanted to accept.
Walking into that bedroom the other day for the first time seeing her as she is now makes me feel all of the feeling's I didn't want to feel. But if it weren't for Dayla calling me, I probably wouldn't have known that time was drawing near. I then would have had to live with the regret of not being there for her now. I asked her sister Sherry yesterday how long she has been getting to this point and she told me September. I have to say that I have called and left her messages over the past few months with no response, but I understand or at least I'm trying to. Sherry has been flying in for weeks at a time in these past few months and I just honestly told her that I haven't been there and wish I could say the same. It was comforting to hear ,"but your here now, and that's all that matters." As I write this Cindy is laying in bed and still with us. She told me yesterday before I left that if I'm not there and the time is at hand...Jason (her husband) is to call only five people and one of them is me. So the phone is next to me and this evening... I pray that it doesn't ring.
I know now that the person on top of the mountain was Cindy. The butterflies and sunflowers are her favorite, and Michael was letting me know that she soon will be where it is peaceful and there is no more pain. My only hope and prayer is that she be not afraid...for when she see's the angels coming for her, that nothing but peace wash over the room and she will finally be able to rest. I want to be there to comfort and hold her hand and kiss her goodnight. She is tough and still fighting right now, but when she is ready...she will be free. And then, I will have another angel with me day and night for the rest of my own life.
I know I was somewhere else, completely out of this realm and in another life. A very good friend of mine growing up who passed away a few years ago was there and it was just him and I. We were talking about life and what happened to him...how he died. He knew where we were, as if he had taken me to where he is. It was very peaceful...this place. We were walking through a dense forest which opened up into a clearing and beyond that were mountains and a glorious rainbow. There were butterflies and fields of sunflowers and on top of the mountain I could see someone but they were so far away that I didn't recognize or know who the person was. I wish I had written the dream down because as the day wore on the memory of our conversation started to escape me. He was telling me things which in my dream I understood, but once I was awake could not recall. It was so Real being there with him and I happy, but yet sad. Michael meant a lot to me growing up--we had a connection that I still can't explain. I miss him and his beautiful face and piercing blue eyes. His hugs and his smile and all the good times we had.When I awoke I laid in bed for a few minutes unsettled by it all. I got up and poured my cup of coffee then proceeded to the living room, sat down in my chair and flipped on the television for my CNN fix. I started another pot of fresh coffee and threw a load of laundry in and unloaded the dishwasher all the while still thinking about the dream and why? I've dreamed of Michael since his death, but this one was different.
About an hour later my phone rang. Normally, if I don't have a number in my phone and know who it is I don't answer, but it was a 217 number plus my phone has been acting stupid lately and a lot of my contacts haven't been showing up. It was Dayla~ a friend, but not someone who would just call me up out of the blue to chit chat. She started talking and asking me questions about doing a benefit, or how to go about doing one and if I would be interested in helping. Then she said it......... Cindy only has a few days left! I couldn't breathe and felt the tears welling all the while she was telling me about her being at home now after telling the hospital that she wanted to be there. How they had turned their bedroom into a hospice room. I know I didn't say anything for a few minutes and told her she was going to have to give me a second to comprehend all of this. I told her I was hanging up and going down to her house, which I did...and have been there every day since.
Walking into that bedroom the other day for the first time seeing her as she is now makes me feel all of the feeling's I didn't want to feel. But if it weren't for Dayla calling me, I probably wouldn't have known that time was drawing near. I then would have had to live with the regret of not being there for her now. I asked her sister Sherry yesterday how long she has been getting to this point and she told me September. I have to say that I have called and left her messages over the past few months with no response, but I understand or at least I'm trying to. Sherry has been flying in for weeks at a time in these past few months and I just honestly told her that I haven't been there and wish I could say the same. It was comforting to hear ,"but your here now, and that's all that matters." As I write this Cindy is laying in bed and still with us. She told me yesterday before I left that if I'm not there and the time is at hand...Jason (her husband) is to call only five people and one of them is me. So the phone is next to me and this evening... I pray that it doesn't ring.
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