Losing A Friend

The past few weeks have been really rough and I don't think any time soon it is going to get any easier. I wrote a post a week or so ago here about my dear friend who's life is coming to an end. Her life here on earth anyway.

Ovarian Cancer is such an awful disease (as all cancers are). But did you know that ovarian cancer is not easily detected? There aren't many symptoms. As well, the symptoms can be common in some women at different times in our lives. Symptoms can include bloating, irregular bleeding, a feeling of being full after only eating a few bites, uncomfortable sexual intercourse, fatigue, indigestion. Yeah--all signs that you could possibly have ovarian cancer! A pelvic exam most of the time is not enough. Even an internal sonogram has been known to miss ovarian cancer. And a blood test ran to check your CA125 level (a cancer protein) is not 100% effective if you have this "silent killer." It's called the "Silent Killer" because often the cancer has progressed to a stage where life expectancy declines to 5 years or less.

Using both ultrasound and the CA125 is the best way that doctors have to diagnose this killer--so, basically there is NO preventative measures or testing that can be done that will 100% of the time come back with an ovarian cancer diagnosis. So women die--and die to young.

The greatest population of ovarian cancer victims are in there 70's and 80'. But as time goes by the age gets younger and younger. I read a story the other day of a young mother who had died from ovarian cancer only 6 months after being diagnosed, she was 32.

I tell everyone this now because Cindy was and has been so adiment about getting the word out, all the while fighting her disease. She had the symptoms, and she repeatedly went to the doctor. It took almost 4 years to get a diagnosis and she now has been fighting the battle for 6. I don't believe the physicians thought that she would make it this long because she was a stage 4 (worse stage you can get), before diagnosing her. The cancer had spread throughout her peritonial cavity (the cavity of the abdomen and pelvis which holds all of the pelvic and abdominal organs). She had surgery to remove as much of the mass infested areas as they could. Only leaving behind what they had to for her to live. Still microbial tumors remained which she has went through chemotherapy several times. It has been a long road for her and her family, for all of us who love her.

Hoping that the cure would be found or new drugs would come out to prolong life, I didn't want to really face the fact that she would leave us. That all changed those few weeks ago, and now I have spent much of my time trying to get in as much of her as I can before her inevitable passing. The only thing that keeps me steadfast is that she will be in a better place. A better place than the rest of us~left behind~ as she travels on into the next journey.

This past Saturday was a turning point. Though in pain, she did not like to push her pain pump, fighting for every second of every minute that she had left to talk with and to us all. On Saturday she did not wake up. Nor did she open her eyes. Her temperature spiked to 104.5~ but has slowly went down as the days have went on. Her husband (Bless his soul) asked the nurse on that day to up her pain medication. I went over Saturday, later in the evening. My greatest fear has been that her parting would take days maybe weeks following a drug induced choma. Tomorrow is Wednesday~ I spent a few hours there this afternoon holding and kissing her hand, rubbing her forehead and giving her sponges of water. I know she can still hear us even if she can't respond coherently. Even today as I was leaving I bent over the bed and kissed her and told her I would see her tomorrow and to let me know if J (her husband) was taking good care of her because I didn't want to have to kick his ass. She opened her eyes and looked at me with a smile. Not a smile from her lips, but a smile from her eyes.

I wish there was something I could do~I don't like feeling helpless. This past week I have spent a lot of time reading and researching different foundations which have been established for research. A few ideas are spinning right now, but it will take time. Even when she has parted, she will still be with us, with me...inside of me she will stay for the rest of my life. She will be another angel to watch over and guide me in this crazy world we live in. In her honor, I am going to get a tattoo on the top of my foot exactly like the one that she has. I took pictures of it for the artist so that it

will be identical in every way, except in mine there will be a teal ribbon for Cindy.