One Day At A Time

2012-01-26T14:14:00.001-06:00

It is with a heavy heart that I write, my beautiful friend has passed on. I received the phone call from her husband yesterday morning. She had told him there were but five people that he needed to call when her time had come, and I was one of them.

I knew this day would come and am trying to feel grateful that she did not have to lay in that bed any longer. Watching her go through the natural progression of death was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But being there for her through this time was something I promised her I would do long ago.

The only solace that I find in this time is that she is no longer in pain. She is free from that awful disease which crippled her body for so many years. She is young, and beautiful and healthy once again, living among the angels. She will watch over and protect all of us who loved her and will only be a memory or a thought away.

She was still at home when Jason called. I didn't need to go down to her home to tell her goodbye, because I don't believe in goodbyes. I believe in see ya later's. She was such a courageous and wonderful woman who's life had not been easy. I'm happy for her that all of the suffering and sickness if over~ I'm sad for us~All those she left behind.

People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad. ~Marcel Proust

Until I see you again my friend~ All My Love~ Angie:)

Losing A Friend

2012-01-24T21:21:00.008-06:00

The past few weeks have been really rough and I don't think any time soon it is going to get any easier. I wrote a post a week or so ago here about my dear friend who's life is coming to an end. Her life here on earth anyway.

Ovarian Cancer is such an awful disease (as all cancers are). But did you know that ovarian cancer is not easily detected? There aren't many symptoms. As well, the symptoms can be common in some women at different times in our lives. Symptoms can include bloating, irregular bleeding, a feeling of being full after only eating a few bites, uncomfortable sexual intercourse, fatigue, indigestion. Yeah--all signs that you could possibly have ovarian cancer! A pelvic exam most of the time is not enough. Even an internal sonogram has been known to miss ovarian cancer. And a blood test ran to check your CA125 level (a cancer protein) is not 100% effective if you have this "silent killer." It's called the "Silent Killer" because often the cancer has progressed to a stage where life expectancy declines to 5 years or less.

Using both ultrasound and the CA125 is the best way that doctors have to diagnose this killer--so, basically there is NO preventative measures or testing that can be done that will 100% of the time come back with an ovarian cancer diagnosis. So women die--and die to young.

The greatest population of ovarian cancer victims are in there 70's and 80'. But as time goes by the age gets younger and younger. I read a story the other day of a young mother who had died from ovarian cancer only 6 months after being diagnosed, she was 32.

I tell everyone this now because Cindy was and has been so adiment about getting the word out, all the while fighting her disease. She had the symptoms, and she repeatedly went to the doctor. It took almost 4 years to get a diagnosis and she now has been fighting the battle for 6. I don't believe the physicians thought that she would make it this long because she was a stage 4 (worse stage you can get), before diagnosing her. The cancer had spread throughout her peritonial cavity (the cavity of the abdomen and pelvis which holds all of the pelvic and abdominal organs). She had surgery to remove as much of the mass infested areas as they could. Only leaving behind what they had to for her to live. Still microbial tumors remained which she has went through chemotherapy several times. It has been a long road for her and her family, for all of us who love her.

Hoping that the cure would be found or new drugs would come out to prolong life, I didn't want to really face the fact that she would leave us. That all changed those few weeks ago, and now I have spent much of my time trying to get in as much of her as I can before her inevitable passing. The only thing that keeps me steadfast is that she will be in a better place. A better place than the rest of us~left behind~ as she travels on into the next journey.

This past Saturday was a turning point. Though in pain, she did not like to push her pain pump, fighting for every second of every minute that she had left to talk with and to us all. On Saturday she did not wake up. Nor did she open her eyes. Her temperature spiked to 104.5~ but has slowly went down as the days have went on. Her husband (Bless his soul) asked the nurse on that day to up her pain medication. I went over Saturday, later in the evening. My greatest fear has been that her parting would take days maybe weeks following a drug induced choma. Tomorrow is Wednesday~ I spent a few hours there this afternoon holding and kissing her hand, rubbing her forehead and giving her sponges of water. I know she can still hear us even if she can't respond coherently. Even today as I was leaving I bent over the bed and kissed her and told her I would see her tomorrow and to let me know if J (her husband) was taking good care of her because I didn't want to have to kick his ass. She opened her eyes and looked at me with a smile. Not a smile from her lips, but a smile from her eyes.

I wish there was something I could do~I don't like feeling helpless. This past week I have spent a lot of time reading and researching different foundations which have been established for research. A few ideas are spinning right now, but it will take time. Even when she has parted, she will still be with us, with me...inside of me she will stay for the rest of my life. She will be another angel to watch over and guide me in this crazy world we live in. In her honor, I am going to get a tattoo on the top of my foot exactly like the one that she has. I took pictures of it for the artist so that it

will be identical in every way, except in mine there will be a teal ribbon for Cindy.

My (Creative) Story...for Beyond Layers

2012-01-23T01:11:00.000-06:00

This year I am taking a class over at Kim Klassen's Cafe called Beyond Layers. We were asked for our first assignment to write our story. She want's us to do this so that after our year together we can look back and see the changes and growth we as individuals have made. So here I go.

Living in a small town or at least this one doesn't have many perks to it or need of the outlets in which my heart desires. I am endlessly searching for a way in which I feel complete and accomplished. As a little girl I wanted to be an artist--no particular kind, I just knew that my calling was to make things beautiful. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Maybe what I deem beautiful is not the same as if I were looking through someone else's eyes, but that is okay! I'm a good listener too. I think..okay, I know that I have let myself down when it comes to "what I want to be when I grow up!"

After graduating High School in 1993, I got married. I knew it was a mistake before I said ,"I do" but at the time I felt like I didn't have a choice. I should have said, "NO" but I didn't. My Dad bought my engagement ring (what does that tell ya?) I didn't care much for school except art class, literature and english but I got through with good grades (except math)...I'm totally math illiterate. I had no desire to go to college at the time and thought I was a grown up and had all the answers! My parents (I don't blame them) never instilled much in me regarding furthering my education. It was get married, have 2 kids and the white picket fence blah blah blah. Needless to say, that marriage lasted all of about a hot second!

After leaving that miserable place in my life, I chose to carry on like a crazed lunatic. Partying and running around with friends became my life. I had no ambitions and saw myself crawling into a hole that I didn't know how I was going to get out of. and then it happened.

I walked into my husbands life and the life of his three little children ranging from 4 to 18 months old. We are now going on 15 years of marriage and have five children, though there not so little anymore. I adopted my three oldest in 1998. Our children now are 20, 19, almost 18, 15 and 12. In 1998 I went to Robert Morris University and got my associates degree in applied sciences focusing in paralegal studies. I have worked meaningless jobs over the years. Cleaning homes was the biggest money maker and at one time a friend and I were cleaning 9 together. However, it takes a toll on the body. I'm not one to half ass do anything, so cleaning a house to me meant everything from windows to wiping down walls, to rearranging people's stuff so that it was more aesthetically pleasing. My clients didn't mind my hard work, but they surely didn't like paying for it. I decided about five years ago that I had to stop. I worked for a plumbing company for over a year before suffering a (what I know now) nervous breakdown. Having teenagers is not easy!

My dream is to someday own my own business. There is a little coffee house or what was a coffee house right here in our little town that I wish I had the resources to open back up. It's such a waste to let that building sit with nothing in it. When the owners of the building refurbished the old place they left the brick interior walls exposed along with the decorative plaster finishes from days gone by. The couple were antique collectors and a lot of the tables, chairs, and other pieces in the building were for sale. It was perfect! The economy and one of their health issues put them out of business. Jim has passed on now, and there this beautiful piece of work...art in and of itself...sits. Creating my own designs from blankets to pillows to jewelry to candle making to floral designs to making over the top hats and clothing...plus my photography is a dream. I love it all! I would work the coffee/tea house and create art! Oh what a dream:)

Interior design has also been a passion in me. I have helped several people design rooms in there homes for the pure joy of it. I've painted faux textures for some, cabinets for others, and had fun spending their money! and I'm good at it! But along with cleaning, those repetitious moves has caused health issues for myself which has left me (at the moment) not in very good shape! My most recent surgery was on December 9th and I'm still recovering from it.

As for my photography--I have always been in love with capturing a moment in time. I believe a lot of my childhood memories may be recollections which were recorded on photo paper. For instance, there is a picture of me when I was five years old standing on top of the dining room table in my new bikini (red white and blue) striped, my pigtails dangly at the sides of my head with my arms extended behind me. Balloons are hanging from an old light fixture which looked to be like something taken off of a ship and I'm just so stinking happy! Do I really remember that, or has the picture left an indelible mark on my subconscious to make me think that I do. I love looking through old photos, of times past and people passed. They make me feel connected.

I got my first digital camera in 2002 and right away started editing the images with free software like picassa and photoscape. Sometimes, if I can't figure out what I'm trying to accomplish in photoshop I will go back to them. Looking back at the beginning of my manipulation of photos, I definitely have gotten better at it, though a long was from learning everything I want to. I never want to stop learning! Now I have a Nikon D5000 which is not the best camera but for my first DSLR it does a pretty good job. I love it when I can take a photograph and do very little editing to it--the SOOC photos really are my favorite. My love for nature has also been a big influence in my style. I love old barns, rusty fences, fields of wheat and rolling hills. Though taking pictures of my family rates up there as well. I have done a couple of sessions for paying customers, and hope to continue to grow in the business, though I would not call myself a professional. My confidence level has not caught up with my imagination. Though I hope and pray someday it will.

I will be 37 years old come April, and I believe it is time for me to do something for myself. I have followed Kim since the beginning of her journey at Kim Klassen's Cafe and received valuable lessons from her tutorials along the way. I have been a subscriber for just as long and love all the textures she gives away. I took the skinny minni course and now am excited to be a part of Beyond Layers. I wish each and everyone of you out there taking this class the best of luck and many smiles and creative days over the next 51 weeks. Thank's for reading!

My Family--and inspiration!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looking forward to a fun filled and fulfilling year with you all! Angie

It Whispers.........

2012-01-13T01:37:00.001-06:00

I woke up Monday morning and took the kids to school then came home and crashed, which is something I rarely do. I was tired from all the dreaming I had been doing and was in the middle of when the alarm woke me up. I had to realize as I was dreaming what the noise was and come out of that state, which always makes me feel lethargic. To be honest, I don't remember driving them to school or coming home. I know I was awake~ going through the physical motions, but intentionally wanting to remember every detail of where I had just came from. Once my head hit the pillow I went right back which very seldom can I do.

I know I was somewhere else, completely out of this realm and in another life. A very good friend of mine growing up who passed away a few years ago was there and it was just him and I. We were talking about life and what happened to him...how he died. He knew where we were, as if he had taken me to where he is. It was very peaceful...this place. We were walking through a dense forest which opened up into a clearing and beyond that were mountains and a glorious rainbow. There were butterflies and fields of sunflowers and on top of the mountain I could see someone but they were so far away that I didn't recognize or know who the person was. I wish I had written the dream down because as the day wore on the memory of our conversation started to escape me. He was telling me things which in my dream I understood, but once I was awake could not recall. It was so Real being there with him and I happy, but yet sad. Michael meant a lot to me growing up--we had a connection that I still can't explain. I miss him and his beautiful face and piercing blue eyes. His hugs and his smile and all the good times we had.

When I awoke I laid in bed for a few minutes unsettled by it all. I got up and poured my cup of coffee then proceeded to the living room, sat down in my chair and flipped on the television for my CNN fix. I started another pot of fresh coffee and threw a load of laundry in and unloaded the dishwasher all the while still thinking about the dream and why? I've dreamed of Michael since his death, but this one was different.

About an hour later my phone rang. Normally, if I don't have a number in my phone and know who it is I don't answer, but it was a 217 number plus my phone has been acting stupid lately and a lot of my contacts haven't been showing up. It was Dayla~ a friend, but not someone who would just call me up out of the blue to chit chat. She started talking and asking me questions about doing a benefit, or how to go about doing one and if I would be interested in helping. Then she said it......... Cindy only has a few days left! I couldn't breathe and felt the tears welling all the while she was telling me about her being at home now after telling the hospital that she wanted to be there. How they had turned their bedroom into a hospice room. I know I didn't say anything for a few minutes and told her she was going to have to give me a second to comprehend all of this. I told her I was hanging up and going down to her house, which I did...and have been there every day since.

Cindy, though in the past few years I have distanced myself from for selfish and self preserving (or so I thought) feelings is one of the truest and best friends I have. I didn't put the distance between us by myself...she did it too and in my heart I, as she know's why. When she was diagnosed the dr's gave her five years tops to live. I watched her go through chemo over and over again. The first time she lost all of her hair she was very self conscience about it and hated wearing the wigs. I told her more than once that I'd shave my head if it made her feel better, but instead we became the bandanna wearing bitches. We did everything together up until like I said, the past few years. After she hit the five year mark it was really hard. She talked a lot about dying, and I kept telling her she wasn't going to die. She would fight and she would win! But now, the time is short and I need more. Being helpless and having to face the fact that she is going to die has not been something I have ever wanted to accept.

Walking into that bedroom the other day for the first time seeing her as she is now makes me feel all of the feeling's I didn't want to feel. But if it weren't for Dayla calling me, I probably wouldn't have known that time was drawing near. I then would have had to live with the regret of not being there for her now. I asked her sister Sherry yesterday how long she has been getting to this point and she told me September. I have to say that I have called and left her messages over the past few months with no response, but I understand or at least I'm trying to. Sherry has been flying in for weeks at a time in these past few months and I just honestly told her that I haven't been there and wish I could say the same. It was comforting to hear ,"but your here now, and that's all that matters." As I write this Cindy is laying in bed and still with us. She told me yesterday before I left that if I'm not there and the time is at hand...Jason (her husband) is to call only five people and one of them is me. So the phone is next to me and this evening... I pray that it doesn't ring.

I know now that the person on top of the mountain was Cindy. The butterflies and sunflowers are her favorite, and Michael was letting me know that she soon will be where it is peaceful and there is no more pain. My only hope and prayer is that she be not afraid...for when she see's the angels coming for her, that nothing but peace wash over the room and she will finally be able to rest. I want to be there to comfort and hold her hand and kiss her goodnight. She is tough and still fighting right now, but when she is ready...she will be free. And then, I will have another angel with me day and night for the rest of my own life.

The Monster I Created

2011-11-29T22:12:00.000-06:00

I noticed something the other night and I don't think I care for it much. Actually, I don't care for it at all. I have created a monster and that monster is my oldest child. I say that because well, because now that she has been living back at home, or at least sleeping here most of the time I have became keenly aware that she likes to bitch. What I mean by that is simple---she sounds like me when I was twenty years old!

Saturday was her Dad's Birthday, she and I ran to town when she got off of work. By the time we got home the day was done and it was time for me to bake a cake and cook supper for all of us. She immediately went to town on sorting laundry and cleaning the bathroom. Now, if she had just done those things of her own free will without complaining, then maybe I wouldn't have noticed it so badly! However, it wasn't like that. The whole entire time she was in the bathroom it was," who took out the trash, thank's for leaving it on the floor?" or "this isn't dirty, why it is in the dirty clothes, well now it is!" or "this toilet is disgusting." or "why can't people just pick up after themselves?" The whole time I'm in the next room telling her that if she doesn't want to do what she is doing, then stop! I was trying to fix supper, it was her Dad's birthday and no one, including myself wanted to listen to it. I kept asking her to please stop--just stop! But she went on about it like we were having the Queen over for dinner. See my creation--I did that! I'm taking all the blame now, and hopefully since I'm taking the blame she will try to cool it a little bit on how well my house needs to be kept.

Being the oldest she always had more responsibility than the others' and took on more responsibility than at times I liked. I love my daughter with all my heart, but two adult women living in the same house is not all it's cracked up to be. She's driving me crazy!!! This is my house after all and well, I'm not twenty years old anymore and I have raised five children up to this point, the youngest being twelve and the house hasn't caved in yet.

I told Steph the next day while we were having coffee how she was reminding me of myself at her age. The only difference is that when I was her age, I was taking care of my own home and raising three children under the age of 5. That was sixteen years ago for crying out loud. Thing's change in sixteen years and so do people.

In my old age, yes, I'm almost thirty-seven--I've learned to let things go. I spent my twenties trying to be the Perfect Everyone to Everybody and the only person not happy was ME! I was miserable worrying about getting the laundry done daily, and having a four course meal on the table every night, and my children looking like little dolls whenever and wherever we went. Matching outfits and all! My bathroom's were cleaned daily and you could eat off of my floors. I know--it makes me sick to think about it. Today--I don't let some things bother me. Mind you, when it get's to the point where I can't take it anymore I go like a mad woman getting everything back in order but I've learned to just do it and not complain or rather bitch about it. Like the other day when my Monster reminded me of myself. It will get done when it gets done and sometimes we just have to relax and enjoy the ride. We never know when our ride will be over and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life worrying about whether there is a laundry hamper full of dirty clothes sitting in the bathroom. I look at it now like I told her...at least we have those clothes to get dirty!

I really hope and pray that she will take Mom's cue now and relax a little because if not, I feel really sorry for my grand babies I hope to have someday. Or maybe they can just come live with Nana. LOL~ NOT!

Blessed Be --Angie

Blessed Be--Angie

Honey- I totaled the car!

2011-10-19T23:34:00.000-05:00

The girls singing "The Gambler"

What a crazy month it has been up to this point!!! My friend's wedding was fantastic---I had so much fun and got to see and talk to a lot of people that I haven't in a long time. The low point...because it seems that in my life there always has to be one, was this; I totaled my van on the way home that evening when the brakes finally went out. I had been noticing that they were catching in a weird way but hey, they still stopped. It wouldn't have been so bad had 1. I not had anything to drink. Which like right... I just came from a bar. 2. I was driving down a back road because of 1. and I'm not saying that I was drunk, because I was not. But was I over the legal drinking limit? Oh, I'm sure I was.

The nice officer knew that my ability to drive was not a factor in the crash so he did me a favor, and didn't ask me to blow. The street I was on going North ends at a T road and guess what sits across the street? Oh yes, that would be right...a house. So, I was applying the brakes as normal, but nothing was happening and I knew inevitably I had to make some quick decisions. Not running straight into these peoples living room was my main priority. I mean, I'm not like Dr. House who doesn't mind driving his whole car in Cutty's because she had another man over for dinner. It was either turn right or left which were both 90 degree turns so I thought...maybe I could go through their yard, because there is an alley to the right of their house. But, a big boulder sits at the corner of their property so that people don't cut into their yard and then there's a tree. On the other side of the alley is a garage and then on the left side, a fence which is enclosing their backyard. My only quest at the moment was not hitting the house, which...I didn't, but I clipped the front porch and took out a small bush. But the vehicle did not come to a stop at this point and kept on going. Luckily, I had both hands on the wheel and just rode it out the rest of the way down the alley and then into an electrical box that should have been buried a long time ago. I hit that bitch straight on as I was trying to turn the wheel to the left and realizing that I wasn't in control. So, there I was in the middle of the back alley which I think may be a road, but I'm not sure. I tried backing up and out of the box but no, I couldn't move at all. I tried opening the drivers side door which I guess at some point and time the air bag went off, but I didn't feel it. No getting out the drivers side so I climbed over the seat and into the passenger side to get out and see the damage. I walked around the front of the van and my right tire was turned in and my left was turned in too. I started walking down the drivers side which was all dented in when I heard a voice and yelled out to him that I was alright and on my way down.

Kevin was like, "do you know that you just hit my house?" I was like, Um...yeah and your lucky and so am I that I didn't end up in your living room. We started walking back toward the house and I told him I wanted to go get my husband because he was just down the road at home but Kevin was afraid that if the police showed up and I wasn't there that I would get into trouble so I didn't. He was really nice about it and I was bawling by this point. I was in shock I think and couldn't believe what had just happened. I still think I'm being a little effected by it because I've been having some pretty messed up dreams, but that was my first accident in 36 years. I apologized all over myself telling him how sorry I was and how thankful I was that I only clipped the front porch, but that I was trying not to hit his house but I had no brakes. His lovely wife came out and asked me if I was okay, which I was...just real shook up by the whole event.

The police showed up about ten minutes after we had been standing there talking and the officer and I walked down to the van and he of course asked me what happened and I told him. He told me he didn't know how I didn't run into the garage or take out the fence with the way it looked. I don't know either, so I'm thanking my guardian angels as they were working overtime. Then another officer showed up and started yelling at me, telling me that I was trying to get away. Like it was going to be a hit and run type of situation. I looked at him I know with a crazy look because I wasn't expecting that at all. Then he started looking at some tire tracks that were up in the grass and telling me that I had made those marks, which I knew I didn't, but he kept badgering me and telling me to tell the truth. I don't know why but finally to get the other officer to shut up I said...okay, I don't know how I could have done that being where my vehicle is, but okay, there mine. Though I knew that they weren't and I believe the first officer did too. There was no driving the car so I asked the officer to call a local towing company to come pick it up and then we walked back down to the house where he asked me to get in the back of the police car. I thought, oh shit...I'm getting arrested, but he gave me a drink and told me just to sit in there and keep warm. After the paramedics showed up and took my vitals and I signed the refused treatment paper he took me to the police station to fill out the report. My blood pressure was really high but come on, how could it not be?

We got back to the police station and started talking while he was writing out the report and giving me 2 tickets. One for not having my insurance card and the other for failure to reduce speed to avoid an accident. He got another call while I was there so I had to sit and wait for about twenty minutes for him to come back. He had sent the other officer on that call because he was still going on about me lying. I finally told him that I would have the insurance company send him a damn report of the failed breaks if that would make him believe me and that I was very upset because I am not that kind of person and this guy had seen me grow up. He's been an officer here in town for as long as I can remember and at one time I was told that he sold weed out of the back of his cop car. I've seen him at the bars and then drive home. I just can't stand hypocritical people and that is exactly what he was being. After all was said and done I asked him if he wanted me to call my husband to come pick me up and he said no, that he would take me home.

I have to say that it was the scariest thing I've ever experienced and I'm a little apprehensive about driving but that will pass, I hope. When I got home I woke up my husband to tell him everything that happened and of course he had to start being a jerk because well, I should have came home when he did. But hell, he was out sitting in the van waiting for us for over an hour because he wasn't having fun at the reception. Now, had there been a slot machine it would have been different. Emily was having a great time dancing her butt off and so was the bride's daughter who ended up spending the night so that she could stay at her Mom's reception longer. I guess, okay...I know his reaction could have been a lot worse but I have to tell ya, I get so damn tired of the double standards. I never go out anymore. I never drink anymore. I stay home and do nothing most of the time. I do not like to gamble as I have never won so I only see it as wasting money, but he loves to go to the boat. Hell, he takes off sometimes and goes by himself.

Speaking of ...the whole going to the boat thing. The week before my accident he had been itching to go all weekend and I kept telling him no. Finally on Sunday night at about 9 I told him to go...whatever, I was sick of him asking and I was busy doing something else. Now mind you, we don't live anywhere close to a gambling boat so to get to one it is over an hour's drive. Guess what happened to him? On his way down he hit a deer with his car and it done some pretty significant damage to it, but he didnt' even stop to look, he just kept on going and checked it out in the parking lot when he realized that he couldn't get out of his drivers side door. I tried to stay up and wait for him to get home, just to make sure that he got home okay but at 2:30 a.m. I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and fell asleep with my computer on my lap. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and he still wasn't home. He told me the next afternoon when he called that he got home (too late) which ended up being he said 4:30 a.m. He didn't wake me up to tell me he had banged up the front quarter panel, the hood, the whole headlight including the encasing, the drivers side mirror, and the door being jammed in. He got home and went to bed and then got up 3 hours later and went to work in the car. I didn't know that he had been in a fight with a deer until the next afternoon right before he came home he called and told me so that I wasn't surprised when he pulled in after work. I wasn't mad at him then or give him shit about it.

So, when he started giving me shit about the van I threw it back in his face that he can go to the boat and stay out until wee hours of the morning, but one night I want to go out and have fun and he has to be home by midnight like he's the carriage in Cinderella getting ready to turn back into a pumpkin. He should have been with me and he should have been driving and the same thing would have happened. But oh no, the one night that I wanna have fun and go out and be sociable he has to go and do shit like that.

I had my friend take me by the house the next morning to see it in the daylight and I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't bad at all and he was outside burning the bush that I took out. He told me that his son was sleeping in the living room that night and I broke down in tears. It really could have been so much worse and I'm just thankful to be alive and that no one was injured.

I'm pleased to say that this evening we bought a vehicle. It's actually older than the van, with a few more miles on it, but it seems to have been maintained well and is actually in better shape on the inside than our van was. Damn kids like to break things ya know. So in closing this one out...I just hope and pray that we don't have any problems with it. If anyone reads this and gets to the end, could you please say a little prayer for us too, I would really appreciate it.

2011-09-27T00:01:00.000-05:00

Fall to me means football games and fires. This week we didn't have a fire, but we had a football game and a homecoming parade. You can see the leaves of the trees changing in a few of my photos.

I just couldn't pass up getting a quick shot of this little guy as he went strolling by passing out balloons.

The Freshman had to walk behind the boys this year. That's my son Austin #41 with a few friends. Go NorthMac~ we won that game 68-0. I felt bad for the other team~ just a little.

The Girls from Cut It Up--what a crew they were!

One of the girls that was on Homecoming court this year. She's a pretty one for sure...

Last but certainly not least--Our North Mac Panther Football Team. They walk out arm in arm before every game. Yes, that is my shadow you see. I LOVE FOOTBALL~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~nothing like a chilly evening under the lights.

Your Next!

Angie~

A Picture Blog~ with a lot of words too...

2011-09-26T23:38:00.000-05:00

It sure has been a crazy couple of weeks here in Hickville. Maybe I shouldn't call it that since there are places close by which are a lot more hickier than Virden. Birthday's, Homecoming, kids and kid moving back in, doctors appointments, a bachelorette party, football and more I'm sure, but just forgetting about, but anyway.

My baby turned 15~

We have celebrated two birthday's this month and it just so happens that both of my babies were born in September. Emily turned 12 on the 14th, and celebrated her birthday for a week and Austin turned 15 on the 25th. It's really hard for me to believe that I don't have any children in elementary school anymore. For 15 years I was a Mom to at least one elementary kid. It seem's like yesterday they were running around in diapers and getting into everything. I can't say that I miss that part of it much, but I do miss them getting up on my lap and cuddling with Mama. Austin will take drivers ed next quarter which isn't something that I'm looking forward to, but I know he will do well. He is my "good" kid~for serious...

Emily contemplating what she doesn't want for her birthday

Homecoming this year was themed "Halloween" and Oh Boy~ I loved it! But then again, Halloween is my second favorite holiday next to Christmas--but it ranks right up there--almost winning at this time in my life. I loved Homecoming all the years my older two girls were in High School. Playing dress-up and doing makeup and hair is something I have never grown tired of. When I was a little girl, my Mom ran a day care out of our house. I would put makeup on all the little girls and curl their hair. My Aunt Janet was the only one that ever complained about it--but whatever--I'm off topic now. So, since my boys had no desire to let me play dress up with them or even go to Homecoming this year I lucked out with having two high school girls ask me to do their's-it was Fun and I loved all the dresses. Some years they just suck or are too slutty--but this year it was perfect. One girl is my cousin and the other is a girl that I have been working with since her Freshman year. Both Beautiful Girls~

Speaking of homecoming-- my oldest is living back at home. She's not here much since she works full time and goes to school two nights a week...but she say's she is trying to make a statement to her (boyfriend). I'm not sure what that statement is- and I don't think she really knows either. It basically comes down to her wanting him to grow up and move out of his Dad's house when he has no reason or want in doing so. She want's him to change into the person that she want's him to be. I say," good luck with that." He is who he is as she is who she is. If she can't accept him and his faults then I say she needs to move on down the road, but...........it's not my life and I can't make the decisions for her. I do kinda feel bad for him in a way because here she is living back at home and he's still hanging on. She say's she want's to make it work. I say, "if she was married to him, I could see her point, but she's not and she's 20 years old." Live a little--sow some oats--have some fun--make some mistakes. God knows, if I could do it all over again, I would. Though saying that makes it sound like I haven't been happy with my life and well, at times, I haven't been. Okay--if I could have kept my kids and didn't have to share--and got all his money for them I would have raised them by myself, but that didn't happen and so...it is what it is. I just hope I haven't scarred them too badly! And I'm not saying that I don't love my husband, because I do, but he really pisses me off ~~sometimes~~ a lot. So, we will just have to wait and see. I don't know what will happen, but whatever does, I will support and love her. I just hope they don't spend the next 80 years arguing with each other. This topic is one I could delve into in depth, but in keeping it to a minimum, I will let ya know how it turns out.

I, myself have not felt good since about the middle of July. I started out with burning and irritating pains in my left shoulder and arm. I had shoulder surgery on my right arm about four years ago and then carpal and cubital tunnel surgery on the right arm almost three years ago now, when I had the second surgery the dr. who performed it also wanted to do my left arm after I healed from the right. I said no thank you because I don't heal well and I have a life to live. Now, I wish I had just done it and I wouldn't be in the position that I am. Anyway, I called my primary dr. to get a referral to a surgeon who could do the left arm because Dr. Hanson was in another state and they sent me to an orthopedic sports dr. He put me on yet another drug, elavil because he said that it helps with nerve root problems and ordered an mri of my neck because he felt that all of my problems were starting there. The mri showed degenerative blah blah blah, but nothing too serious. So on he is sending me to Dr. Freytag who I have been waiting to see for almost a month now. My appt. with him is the 29th. I had emg studies done last week of my neck and arm with the dr. confirming that I have pinched nerves in my neck, my shoulder, my upper arm on the back side, my cubital and my carpal. My x-ray's showed that I have a lot of arthritis built up on the shoulder blade and a bone spur. So, Dr. Trudea thinks that I have and am still tearing my rotator cuff because I have very little rom in the left side and am considerably weakened on that side as well. For now I'm taking vicodin, flexeril, savella, celexa, xanax, tramadol, and elavil. My goal is to get this left arm working properly and then to get off all this shitting ass medicine. My last blood test came back with my white blood count and platelets being high and my sed rate is 24 which should be 20 I was told. All I know is that I want my life back and I want to get back to all the things I love (including photography). I never realized how much I use my left arm until all this crap. But onto happy days~!

The Bachelorette Party was GREAT! I had so much fun with all the girls and got way too intoxicated~ not that it took much since I have cut back drastically on my drinking. I'm a light weight now~and I can live with it. Donelle is finally getting married! She turned 40 this year and this will be her first marriage. I only wish that her Mother was here to see it, but I know Janice will be watching from above. We were going to get shirts that said "Hell is freezing over", because she has always said that marriage was not for her. But, I guess she found the right guy with the right stuff cause she is in love. His name is Matt and he really is a good guy. The wedding is this Saturday and I can't wait to get pictures of the day. For the party we went down to Alton to Fast Eddies~ it gets packed early so if ya want to get a table in the courtyard you have to be there by noon. We didn't leave until noon and stopped off at another bar to get a bite to eat before starting the drink fest, but we drank there so I don't how how much it helped, but I do remember having some most excellent hot wings. I say remember~ because on our way back our DD spent an hour trying to get us out of town and we were all so drunk we were of no help. We stopped at a Jack in the Box to get food~and I remember going in~ with one shoe on and one shoe off because I couldn't find it. However, I have no recollection of eating said food or even what I ordered. Oh Good Times~~~~~we think now it should be an annual event!

Well, if you made it all the way through--Congratulations! I know I'm long winded and don't write near enough. If I was more self disciplined I would write everyday so that I don't get behind--but I'm a procrastinator, what can I say? Hope everyone has a GREAT WEEK~

Angie:)

SOOC Saturday Link Up...

2011-09-20T00:50:00.000-05:00

Ha....I'm only a little late for SOOC Saturday. But if it will still let me link up--I'm gonna.

I took this picture during a football game last week. No editing has been done to the photo. Hope you enjoy!

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

2011-09-20T00:23:00.000-05:00

Street Photography, From a Distance, Sunday, Liquid and Behind...These are the prompts to this week's Scavenger Hunt. I'm not going to lie and say that all of these were taken this week, because, they were not. In fact, I couldn't find what we were scavenging for. So I hope no one want's to throw me out or under the bus. I will play fair I promise when I know where to look to get the prompts. Until then......................

Street Photography

This photo was taken outside of a place called Pie...like 3.14= I took the picture of the window and in the reflection you can see the old Pageant theater in St. Louis, MO. Two of my best girlfriends treated me to an Indigo Girls concert for
my birthday.

From A Distance...

The Meisenbacher house was moved from Miller St. in Springfield, Illinois to 7th Street. It was going to be torn down as so many of the historical places have already been, but that didn't happen. From a distance we could watch the big old house getting moved. My husband works for CWLP and they had to be there to make sure power lines were not in the way. It was really something to watch this monster traveling down the small back streets of Illinois Capital.

Sunday Funday...

Okay, so this all started on Saturday afternoon, but we didn't finish up until wee in the witching hours of Sunday morning. A friend, the one with the yellow bachelorette sash on has finally decided to tie the knot. We spent it celebrating at Fast Eddies in Alton, Illinois. This picture was taken as we were leaving-- and all of us felt really good. And of course we had a DD. We have decided that this should be an annual trip for all of us girls. It's fun to get away and away from the worries of everyday life, if only for a fleeting moment.

Next up is Liquid...

This is my baby girl who just turned twelve on the fourteenth. We went to Springfield to have lunch with her dad and then had to stop by the new store "Scheels" on our way out of town to get her brother a new chin strap. When you walk into the building there is a humungous fish tank that has two circular tanks with one that you walk under. I have to say...I was pretty impressed. I wonder how much water that thing holds?

Last but not least......Behind

This Freshman Football game was played here on our turf against Pawnee. Pawnee was leading at half time and our boys came back from behind to win the game 18-22! Whoot Whoot for the NorthMac Freshman Football Team! What a proud Mama I am:)

Thank's for stopping in--now I'm off to look at some of all your awesome interpretations for the week!

Angie

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

2011-09-11T12:25:00.001-05:00

Today's Prompts: Bokeh, Process of Elimination, Remember, Statues, Flying High

BOKEH

Process of Elimination was a little more difficult to find... but I think a queen pageant will do.

Remember--The last football game Virden and Girard would play against each other. Our 2 schools consolidated at the end of this school year 2010. The boys gathered out in the middle of the football field in Girard after the game. Which BTW- VIrden won!

A Statue of St. Francis on the campus grounds of St. Francis University in Joliet, Illinois where my daughter attended school.

A very good friend of mine from High School flies a Black Hawk for the United States Air Guard. He came to our Elementary School and gave the children tours of his chopper last year. Definitely some High Flying

Today's Flowers

2011-09-10T20:21:00.000-05:00

I'm joining in on Today's Flower, this is my first time. All the photos from other participants are stunning. I love flowers--They make me happy...Oh So Happy!

Thank's for visiting--Angie

SOOC Saturday Link Up...

2011-09-10T14:53:00.000-05:00

Linking up for the firs time with SOOC Saturday. Hope everyone enjoys my SOOC.

This is a picture of one of my friend's daughters. We went out and just did a photoshoot one afternoon and this is one I loved.

Still Purging from Inside

2011-09-10T02:25:00.000-05:00

Today has been anything but a normal day for me. I got to babysit the most precious little guy all day long while my friend, his regular sitter, went to Dr.'s appt's with her son. Kacie and I both had appointments today and not thinking, when they called me to remind me, I told them that I wouldn't be able to make it because I was keeping the baby. So my appt. is Monday now, but we went to hers. Then we met up with a friend and Mark and ate some lunch at a Mexican Restaurant. I could have just ate the salsa and chips it was so good, but in between feeding the little guy and talking, I got more than my share of the yumminess.

My Grandma went back to the nursing home today so tomorrow I am going to go out and see her for a bit. If she starts being ugly, I just simply will leave.

The Varsity Football team played in Bunker Hill this evening and stomped them 57-14. The only reason they scored the last touchdown was because coach put in JV and well, my Freshman son, who also got to call the defensive plays.

By chance, and I love how chance works...another girlfriend of mine was over at the salon getting a pedi last night and there so happened to be another mother in there talking about all the trouble that her son is in right now. He is on probation, been caught with marijuana, been caught selling it to others, been kicked off the football team, has been called the cops on by his Mother for physically abusing her and is being watched by the DEA in the area. The mother was talking about the kids that her boy has been hanging around with and it just so happened that a kid named Zach came into the conversation. Oh yes, we are talking about my Zach. My Zach that basically thinks he can do whatever he want's whenever he want's because his Dad would rather let him run than be a father. His dad doesn't want to deal with him and when I try to say anything, I'm told that he is just trying to make things run smoothly until he gets out of the house. See, he will be 18 in February, but wont graduate until the end of the school year, if then. My son decided to screw around the first three years of high school and now this year he has to take 7 classes including 2 English classes and 2 Math classes if he wants to graduate. Last weekend, with it being a long holiday weekend, Zachary decided it would be okay to assume that he could be gone from Friday until Monday or whenever he decided to come home to shower and change his clothes and then back out the door again. Well, on Sunday he left with one of this friends to hang out and never came home. On Monday, the kid was told to bring Zach home and then to go home because he had things to do. And that is where the Mom of the kid who is in trouble comes in. From 11:00a.m. until about 2:30 p.m. neither one of them were anywhere to be found. Until, the Mom accidentally ratted them out in front of my friend. Of course this Mother had to imply that We, the parents of these boys, don't have a clue about what our kids are doing. She was put in her place by my friend and was given my phone number so that if he showed back up at her house high as a kite again, she is to call me. I do not want Zach hanging out with him as he has enough troubles of his own.

Let's just say that all summer long Zachary has ran. His Dad made the rules I didn't... and they were that he could go out four nights a week but had to be home three. So, if you count Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday...you get my point--hello, That is 4! Plus he didn't come home on Sunday night, and though we knew where he was, he didn't have permission to stay and didn't bother asking if he could. Anyway, Tuesday night Mark went to get the boys from football practice and he comes in saying that Zach was going out with Johnny to the girls volleyball game. Well, it pissed me off. Why? Because he was the one that made up the rules which I wasn't happy about to begin with. I told Mark if Zachary went out and got hurt or hurt someone else, I would never forgive him. You CAN"T break your own rules or they no longer apply. But my husband says that as long as he is doing well in school, then he's going to let him go. So, I finally could log into skyward which is a program our school uses to communicate with parents from everything to lunch money, grades, discipline, etc. I had been trying to log in all week long and it just kept saying Please Wait. Well, it finally let me in after Zach had left and Mark had left to go to his second home, which would be the Sports Boosters building, I texted Mark and told him that Zach, as of right now is failing English, has a D- in Foods, a C in Geometry and History and an A in his 5th grade Math class and P.E. We are in the 1st quarter of school and he is already flunking because of missing assignments. But wait, Zachary told his Dad that he had been doing all the work and was passing his classes which he knew was a lie. But do you think there was a discussion about it when he got home. Where we could sit down and discuss it. Hell no, Mark calls him on his phone and chews his ass out. Outcome--that's it! Nothing else was said to him and well, this year I have given the control to his Father and told him that when and if the school starts calling me for any reason, I don't care that I'm home--I will tell them to call his Father. Seriously, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree and Mark and Zachary are just alike. And they both treat me the same way.

Zachary is downright rude and disrespectful to me on so many levels its not even funny--and I've always been the one who has had his back. Last year after he had been in his fourth fight, the district wanted to kick him out and make him go to safe school. Now ask who put a stop to that? Was it his father who spent two weeks collecting information and going to doctors and constantly talking to the Assistant and Principal at the school? Fuck no, it was me. I am the ONLY reason Zachary is going to regular school this year, but yet he has told me that he doesn't respect me. I could go on and on about how fucked up this whole situation is, but what's the point? Nothing is going to change so I am biding my time. I even told Zach to bring his work home and I would do it, just to get him to walk across the stage at the end of this year. I absolutely refuse to let him fail, but he won't even do that. Well, not yet.

As I posted last night, my oldest daughter has decided that she didn't want to live at her boyfriends house anymore (really it's his Dad's house) but anyway. I told her that if she needed to come home for a while to get her life back on track that would be fine, but that I wasn't going to make any of the other kids give up their rooms for her to stay in as she was the one who wanted to leave and that wouldn't be fair to any of them. She worked today at the bank from 7-2 and then had to be at Maggie's to waitress at 4:30. But when I was driving through Thayer picking up my friend, I saw that she had all the doors and trunk opened up on her car and was actually putting stuff in so it was then official to me that she was coming home. I honestly do not mind her coming here to get her shit straightened out, I really don't. So, when she got off work she started bringing her stuff in. I told her that tomorrow while she was gone I would get boxes and wrap all of her breakables and we could store them over at her Grandma's house. When I walked in from my walk, the dining room was covered with all of her stuff that she just threw in the car. Her moving plan was not very well thought out, but I was going to deal. I told her I would clean out the front closet and she could put her clothes in there. Her hygiene stuff, makeup and all that could go in the bathroom with the rest of the stuff and she could sleep in Emily' bed, since Emily sleeps with me. Now, in any of that did I say that Stephanie could take over Emily's bedroom? So, when I walked around the corner and looked into Emily's room Stephanie was taking down pictures and decorations in her room to put her mirror on Emily's dresser and Yes, maybe I over reacted a little bit, but damn it. That is still Emily's room and she has no right to go in there and take anything down off of her walls. It upset me because I know Stephanie and I know that if Emily goes in there and messes with her stuff she is going to be a bitch. But as always, there is Mark...telling me that I'm being a bitch and oh, well don't I think that this is hard enough on Stephanie and what a way to start out. When he was the one who made the comment, well I guess I'm back on the couch. He shakes his head no at me and treats me like I'm wrong. He said that if Kacie walked through the door I'd be kissing her ass and I was like really...you mean like I kiss your ass? So there's Stephanie crying and telling me how fucking hard this is for her and how fucking mean I'm being--and there's her Dad all about Stephanie but fuck me and Emily. So I proceed to clean up the kitchen and unload the dishwasher to work off some of my anger as he follows her out the door because oh, I've made her cry.

Now how many fucking times has he made me cry and he tells me I'm a fucking big baby? When we argue and Emily gets upset and cries he tells her (shes 11) to shut the fuck up or he will give her something to really cry about. So I proceed to take out the garbage and they are out there sitting on the steps and he's all talking to her trying to make her feel better because I'm a bitch. He goes on to tell her that if it is meant to be with Shane that it will work itself out. Now mind you...he and her had not even had a conversation about this coming home to stay for a while stuff. The whole time I'm out there listening to him talk to her, I was thinking...my God, if you could only talk to me that way, I wouldn't feel the way I do.

A few weeks ago, I had to go school clothes shopping for Emily because she had hardly anything to start school in. While I was there I picked up an outfit each for the boys and well, when I got home I had spent too much fucking money. All Emily wanted to do was try on her clothes for her Daddy but that was all overlooked because he was too busy yelling at me and saying fuck this and fuck that...and get a fucking job and being just downright mean. It wasn't like I had bought anything for myself, it was all for the kids. So, I told him that I would take it all back and get the money back and he could take her shopping because I now can't even do that right. Well, he stormed off out of here and went over to his hide out place. It was 6th grade orientation night but he didn't know that because the night I tried talking to him about it, he stood at the end of the bed and acted like I was bothering him and my story was taking too long and to spit it out so I just shut up and said nevermind. Well, when Emily and I left to go to orientation I stopped back by the building and asked him why he has to treat me that way? What do I do to deserve to be treated like a piece of shit. His reply was don't fucking come over here and start on me or I will leave here too. I was crying and he just laughed at me and told me again what a big fucking baby I am and if I have it that bad then I should just leave. He told me that after 16 years I should know him and that he is not going to change so maybe it is time for us to part ways. I got up and said, ya know...I think you may be right, and I left.

I'm tired of being treated like shit. Nothing I do is right and he knit picks at me until he can find something to be an asshole about. He digs and digs until he can find something. Well, I'm not getting any younger and I have put up with it for about as long as I think I can. Why can he go out and comfort his daughter who has made this decision for herself when she is upset, but when I'm upset like I was too, I'm a fucking bitch!

I honestly don't know how much longer I can last and I can say this right now...if it all starts back over again with the sun rising and setting in Stephanie's ass...then my ass is gone.

Tomorrow is another day--we will see

Angie

A Daily Rant--my online diary

2011-09-08T23:15:00.000-05:00

It's been a good day I suppose. I went to see my new primary doctor and spent over an hour going through all of my medical history. I really like her as she is a very personal person. She was telling me today about her last position, which was in a prison. We talked about our families and she informed me that after nineteen years of marriage she left her husband who was a womanizer. She has been single for 22 years now and said she wouldn't have it any other way. We laughed a lot at this visit. As she was going through my twelve million prescription bottles checking dosage and all that she asked me what time I go to bed at night? Well, like I told her...that all depends on when I pass out. She thought that was really hysterical and so not what most patients tell her though I i explain that I wasn't talking about alcohol, but that I don't sleep well and usually just stay up until I feel like I can sleep. She upped my amitriptaline to 50mg at bedtime, so we will see. She also took x-rays of my shoulder and I'm scheduled for an emg study on the 20th. Then maybe something can be done to get this pain away for good! I don't want to have surgery because I don't heal well or fast, but if I have to I will. I started on Savella a few months back and it has been wonderful. I can actually get out of bed in the morning and walk without feeling every part of my body hurting.

My Grandma is still in the hospital but I was told by a friend at the Freshman football game tonight that she is going to be going back to the nursing home tomorrow. I have decided that I'm going to make myself go see her this weekend. I'm over it I guess~ pulling my big girl pants up now.

Speaking of the Freshman football game tonight...WE WON! Whoot Whoot--22-18 and we were losing at half time, but not by much. This is the first win of the season for any of our football teams so the Freshman boys should be pretty proud of themselves. They played hard and tough. Austin got over a 100 yards rushing and busted open his chin again. I'm going to have to get him a different chin strap and see what I can come up with to keep it from breaking open.

I received a phone call at 7:30 this morning from my oldest. She has been thinking about moving out of her boyfriend's house now for a while and she finally told him last night that she is leaving. They haven't gotten a long in some time now and all they do is argue. I can see both sides of it, but like I told her...she's not married to him and she doesn't have to stay there. So, she is coming home for a while. I hope only for a little while since we really don't have a room for her anymore. When the older girls moved out, their room was transformed into Austin's room and I'm not going to take his room away from him now. We will make it work for as long as we have to. She's not been happy for a very long time and I have been really worried about her. She never smiles anymore and even when they were here together they would try to get her dad and I into their arguments. She want's more out of a relationship than he is willing to give. He doesn't like her friends and doesn't like going with her to anything where he will have to be social. That really bothers her which she is entitled too, but she want's him to be someone that he is not. He is who he is as she is who she is. In his defense, she is a control freak. She would treat him like a child and order him around like he was her man servant. I told her a few months ago that she needs to relax. Every little thing bothers her and she is always so stressed out about everything. This is the time in her life that she should be having fun and finding herself as a woman and who she want's to be.
She has asked me for my opinion several times and all I can tell her is that she has to make that decision on her own. I cannot tell her what she should do in her relationship, but that expecting him to be something that he isn't isn't fair to him either. I did tell her though that she needed to find out why she was even there. Now, if she was staying, being unhappy because she loved him and wanted to try to make it work then fine. But if she is only there because it is a place to live where she doesn't have to pay for anything but her own bills, then she was there for the wrong reason. I know the last place she want's to come to is home...and I don't blame her, but she cannot afford to live on her own. So, we will see.

Since she first came to me to talk about this, I've been thinking a lot about things. She is 20 years old. She is actually older than I was when I walked into her life. When I was her age, I was taking care of three children. I had already been married and was working on getting a divorce. Putting it into perspective--THAT'S JUST CRAZY! If one of my girls came to me today and told me that they were getting involved in a relationship like I did...I would go ape ass nuts on them. Not that it would matter, but really. I'm not saying that I regret my life in any way, I'm just saying that I raised my daughters to find themselves first. To go out there and get their lives together before settling down with anyone.

I was over protective of them...I know that, and I knew it then. I just didn't want them making some of the mistakes that I made and thought that by talking to them and telling them some of what I went through would make them want to be different. I want them to be independent women. Independent in knowing that they could take care of themselves and didn't need anyone to help them. I remember one time when Kacie and I were arguing and who even knows what about now, but she liked throwing in my face that she wasn't stuck here like I am. That's not the only thing she would throw at me, but in a sense, she is right.

I blame myself somewhat for the fact that my daughters feel that arguing and fighting about everything is normal. They've been raised in a home where there is a lot of arguing or at least there used to be. Now, I don't care enough to argue. I don't have the last word and a lot of times, I just don't say anything at all. I feel the way I do and he feels the way he does. We haven't communicated well with each other for several years now. Our lack of communication started as the children started getting older and we got involved in all of our community events. Money and kids--isn't that what all parents argue about?

I have a lot to get off my chest and it may take me a while to do it. But time--that is something that I have and am thankful that I do.

Living, Hoping and having Faith that everything does happen for a reason~ Angie

Getting it All Out--

2011-09-08T00:14:00.000-05:00

This could be one of those post's that goes on and on. I have so much to say, but I don't know where to start. So, I guess I should just do it. All of my life I have been one to... tell it like it is... so the fact that I don't feel like I'm that person anymore bothers me. There are certain people I can vent on, like my Mother...but to most I just stay quiet. I've thrived on Being a positive person and an optimist. I've always been the one that people come to when they are in time of crisis or on the verge of crisis or if only for someone with some sensibility to talk to. I don't sugar coat things, but I'm also not brutal. I would say I tell the truth with love and compassion. I'm very good at giving advice if I could only take my own.

The people who really know me know that I'm not, what do I want to call it.......Happy? Um, no...that's not the word I'm looking for because I choose to be happy even though I'm not okay. My life is all jumbled up with so many things happening in the past few years that I've posted a little about, but not all of it. Not the really awful stuff that sends me to bed crying some nights. I have a list of unsettled thoughts that rage through my mind. I am bitter and hurt and just down right disappointed with almost everyone in my family. I'm not talking about my immediate family, though I will eventually come to them too.

When my parents got divorced I was still a young Mom. I got married straight out of high school to a boy (because I refuse to call him a man), in fact he's still not a man in my opinion but that is not what this is about. Anyway- that lasted about a half a second and a whole life time ago, but anyway. I only bring that up because that is when it all first started with my parents which you can read about here.They don't Swing anymore... I would like to say that times and things have changed, but they haven't. If anything it has gotten worse, or at least worse for me.

I have always been able to talk to my Mom about the things that unsettle me--though I feel guilty that out of the four of them she is the only one that gets the wrath of my angry tongue at times. Take for instance this evening. It was almost 9:00 p.m. when the door opened and I heard her voice. The first thing I thought was that my Grandmother was gone, why else would my Mom, who never comes around or calls to see how things are be here and at almost past her bedtime?

It was about my Grandmother--but she is still kicking it, just in the hospital in the emergency room right now. She has been in the nursing home now for about a month getting rehabilitation if you can rehabilitate an 84 year old grouchy woman. Yes, I probably shouldn't call her that, but that's what she is. She is down right mean and because I'm just putting it out there, I've been very angry with her too. I haven't been to see her. Is that bad? Should I have gotten over it and went to see her since I don't know how long she is going to be around? I've thought about it a few times. If she passes and I haven't communicated with her in a nice way before she goes--will I feel guilty? Will I carry around with me some sort of remorse for not having pulled up my big girl pants and moved on because she is my Grandmother and the only one I have left?

After Mom told me what was going on--which is that she threw up when she was outside smoking a cigarette with my Dad and then kind of was disoriented when he went in to get help. I guess the staff put her in the shower to clean her up and she passed out and was unresponsive but they put oxygen on her and she came around. Mary told my Mom that when they brought her out of the bathroom she was white as a ghost and they had called an ambulance and now my Dad is at the hospital with her. I called him about an hour ago to check on her and they had done a cat scan and a chest x-ray but that she was talking and he will call me in the morning unless something goes bad tonight. I can only hope my phone doesn't ring.

See, I love my Grandma with all my heart, but I can't put up with or tolerate her meanness. My Mom informed me tonight that it is not just me that has had it out with her. Probably because before my Mom even asked I said, " I haven't been out there to see her and No, I'm not sorry." OMG--that is SO NOT LIKE THE PERSON I ONCE WAS. So, why am I angry with her?

To make a long story short--LOL--that's not gonna happen but anyway. After my Grandpa passed away on June 2nd, she had been living in that big house by herself. She has not been in the best of health for sometime and honestly, I thought she would go before he did. My Dad was the one who had to deal with all the stuff when Grandpa passed on and felt obligated to take care of Grandma--which he is and has done very well. He and I talked one day and he was wearing thin. She's got that Indian blood in her is why I say she is full of fire, but for my Dad to get a break, because my Aunt who also lives here had to go on a vacation to get away from her. I asked Grandma if my daughter, Kacie could come stay with her and help her out for three weeks while her boyfriend had yearly training for the Army Guard? Grandma was delighted with the idea and said that it would be great to have her, that she would love to. Fast forward now to the day that Kacie came over with her stuff and was taking it over to Grandmas house. She was very rude to my daughter and told her that she could not stay there. So Kacie texted me and I went over. It was not a pretty sight. I was pissed off and her and I got into a yelling match. Grandma was very mean to me and said some not very nice things about my child which upset me even more. She acted like Kacie was moving in with her when she was only going to be there to 1. Give my dad a break and 2. Be there to help Grandma. The words coming from that old woman's mouth were like vinegar. Telling me that she couldn't put up with her and that I needed to bring her home, where she belonged. I know someone said something to her about Kacie staying there and that is why she had a change of heart and I know exactly who it was too, though she would not say. So, I haven't spoke to her since. Maybe to someone else it wouldn't have effected them like it did me, but the shit she was saying about Kacie and the kind of person my child is was not right. She not only owed me an apology, but she owed my daughter one as well.

My Mom was only here for a few minutes, but in that few minutes, I told her that I was sick of it all. That I don't know what happened to our family, as at one time we were all close, but if I could, I would sell this house and run far far away from everyone. Not that they would notice or anything, but whatever! She was like, "well you don't come and see me?" And she is right. I don't go over there a lot because for One, I get tired of being heckled by her husband who usually makes me feel like a piece of shit and Two, because we can't really talk with Andy and Jennifer there. Oh yeah, my 30 year old step- sister lives with my Mom and Andy now. She lived with my Dad and Mary for a year and my Dad told her when the year was up that she would need to get her own place. LOL~ Yeah, right! Why would she do that when she can squat on the other set? But again that could be another story to tell.

I hate feeling the way that I do about all of them. I hate being bitter and angry. I hate that they still are not grandparents. I hate that nothing has changed though there for a while we (Mark and I) were having them all out for cookouts for a few weeks this summer. Cookouts that everyone was invited to, but for some unknown to me reason, my brother will not come to anything here. Yet another story to tell.

Like I said, I could go on and on, but I will stop for now. I did tell my Mom as I was starting to get upset that it wasn't fair for me to get all over her for the few minutes that she was here. I love my Family--I just wish we were a FAMILY!

Consolidation--now I wonder

2011-08-30T00:58:00.000-05:00

When our school's consolidated a little over a year ago, I had big hopes. Hopes of change that would trickle down from the top and slowly but surely, make the most of the opportunity we had been granted. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of nay sayers, especially from the Girard residents who did not want the consolidation. However, when the votes came in there were more people for than against us becoming one. As a bigger school, and all the propoganda that was being pushed about how much better financially our rural communities would be and the benefits of such...we all bought into it, well maybe not everyone, but I sure did.

Saying that, there have been a few things that have really been weighing on my mind lately. Exactly what changed and who has benefited from those said changes? From where I sat before the consolidation...being one for it, even having a big huge sign in my front yard advocating it, getting into arguments on a forum sat up to open up discussion, going to debates or really just question and answer sessions for those interested, making phone calls because I truly believed that my children and my grandchildren...god for bid they stay here where there is nothing, but that's another subject. I pushed for it...I WANTED it .

I saw it like this...as far as finances go the Virden school district looked better on paper because there had been no referendums or bonds purchased for updating the facilities. The residents of Virden took on Girard's debt in the consolidation but that has never bothered me. Why? Because Girard borrowed money, though at a ridiculous interest rate and updated, expanded and structurally made improvements to their facilities whereas Virden had not.

However, the teaching curriculum and scores coming out of Girard's school were better than ours. On top of that, our teachers were paid more money to teach than the teachers only 4 miles to the south of us. Now how in the hell did that make sense. The way I understand it is this....Virdens teachers were paid in the top 25% of all Illinois Schools and were in the bottom 25% in score ratings coming out of the school. Whereas, Girard's teachers were paid in the bottom 25% in the state and were rated in the top 25% of the standardized scores coming out of the school district. Are you following me?

I voted YES for the Consolidation because I wanted CHANGE. I wanted the teachers to be held accountable for the scores coming out of their classrooms. Pay based on performance directives that would make the teacher teach, and not sit back on their loins because there is pretty much no way to get rid of a bad teacher that has tenure, it's nearly impossible. We call the group of families that give their relatives jobs the mob. Our school has been ran by a few families for decades and voting yes--I thought--would weed out some of the unwanted but hell no.

So what changed? Well, not much if you ask me. The North Campus which is in Virden now houses the High School and the South Campus houses the middle school. The elementary schools stayed put so even though we are consolidated our children don't really get to interact with each other until 6th grade. A few new teachers were hired because of the expanded curriculum but pretty much everyone stayed right where they were. No rehiring or negotiating though the Girard teachers did get moved up to the same pay grade as the Virden teachers were already at. In fact, one guy got a 99% pay increase in the consolidation. Oh and lest we forget, that both school boards, knowing that a consolidation was in the works signed new contracts with their administrative positions. That meaning that even if we only had one Superintendent and the other went to teaching kindergarten, he or she would have been paid their salary by contract. Like I said, they just jumbled people around that was already there to keep them in their positions at their salaries no matter what.

So was it worth it? I guess time will tell. The students seem to be getting along. There is no our side, your side between them. The horrible fact is that the adults are having a harder time adjusting than the kids. Pretty pathetic I know. The Sports Boosters program has really benefited from the consolidation as it seems the parents from Girard are go getters and want to make as much money as we can to keep improving our facilities as far as the sports programs go. Though there is some distention in the ranks and too many chiefs and not enough indians at times, it is what it is. Everyone has an agenda I know, and I guess I can't say I'm surprised by some of the opposition actually coming out of a few Virden people who think their quick witted. Fortunately for me, this isn't my first rodeo with the people causing some problems and truth be told, I didn't want any part of the organization to begin with. I only caved in and got back involved because the same people who wanted Mark in his position are the ones causing problems...but that's for another blog.

It's past my bedtime and my shoulder and arm are hating me right now.

As Always Onreeone~ Angie

Senior Year

2011-08-21T14:13:00.000-05:00

School has started once again. This year I'm putting it out there right now, it is going to be a GREAT year! I say that because in years past, like since he's been in school there have always been issues. Some which he couldn't help, but then...some that he could. I'm talking about my oldest son who has to pull it out of his ars this year if he plans on graduating with his class. I say...HE IS GRADUATING with his class if it kills me, and well, it just might.

Since starting High School he hasn't applied himself to his school work at all. He has fought me every step of the way. I would love to say that his Dad has stayed on him and supported me when it came to making sure that his school work was done, and done correctly, but that isn't the case either. In fact, his Junior year he was in Geometry. After the 1st quarter, he just quit doing the work. I mean any of it. He wouldn't even try. I, myself am not a math whiz, in fact, I downright suck at math but his Dad is a genius in that area. I got him tutoring which he wouldn't go to. I put him in a study group, which he wanted no part of. So, I have been left feeling alone in trying to do what is right where he is concerned. I have felt alone along this roller coaster ride of raising him. He's seventeen years old now and I only have this last year to try to make it right. He would love for me to just let him go, let him be, let him do as he wishes with no consequence. He doesn't like me, he doesn't respect me, he doesn't listen to me or feel that he should have to answer to me. He's at that stage of wanting to be a man, but not yet being.

Since I've never been a boy, I don't have the slightest inclination on how he is feeling right now, but I can try. I can try to put myself in his shoes. But I can't just let him go. He has got to want to do what is right--I can't make him. I had him tested to see if he needs special help in his classes. He does not, that has been confirmed, which I already knew. It is about applying himself and looking at his Senior year of being the time he has to make up for all the work he hasn't done in the past. I pray that he does it. I wan't him to succeed--I know he can succeed. He can do anything he puts his mind too, I know that...I just don't know how to prove it to him.

I know he want's to graduate or at least I believe he does. He is such a strong willed individual with a whole future ahead of him. He want's to go into the Navy and be in the welding program. He went to CACC last year and was in the program which he thoroughly enjoyed. I've been working on the paper work to get him in.

Please pray-- light candles and help me put him out into the universe that this year will fly by and be the best ! He will do his best, he will try. He will walk across the stage and his future will be bright. I can handle anything thrown my way--I really can. I will stay on him with love and compassion and with his best interest at heart. He is not a failure and neither am I.

Looking forward to the future and watching my son graduate high school~!

Onreeone~ Angie )O(

Busy is Better... or is it?

2011-07-27T16:38:00.000-05:00

Life could get a little less hectic and I would be okay with it. It seems that everything comes up at the same time and then I spread myself too thin and never can fully accomplish all that I had wanted to do. Our Golf Outing for the Sports Boosters was a big success! Of course there had to be drama and ugliness afterward because people tend to be on different wave lengths and then someone gets pissy or downright rude with others and then it thrusts forward like a slingshot and all the feelings and whatever start exploding all over the place and your left with unhappy disgruntled people. Not me, per say...somehow though I always feel the negative effects of those he said she said types. Oh well, it was still a great day! I got my drunk on and took some most awesome pictures of the golf course... and the golfers too.

The following week didn't slow down as we or should I say a group of us had a benefit to raise money for a young man here in our town who was diagnosed with leukemia back in August. He had a bone marrow transplant in December and is cancer free today. Though his medical bills and being out of work has left undo stress so we thought we'd help them out. The day couldn't have went any better than it did. Everyone knew what we were there for and even if there was a few times that things could have gone south, they didn't. I tell ya, I had so much fun that night and I still remember all of it. It was a very late night or early morning I guess since the husband and I didn't get home until 4:30ish, but that doesn't happen often and I was happy to be functioning after fourteen hours of work and play. I'm not sure of the total amount we were able to raise, but I think it was around $10,000.00. Not bad for a days work!

The Picnic is right around the corner and a monkey on my back. I'm not gonna lie and say that I am looking forward to it. It will come and go as it does every year. I've said that I'm leaving after this year, but who knows. It's not the weekend of fun and festivities that drives me insane, its all the prep work and responsibility that comes along with being the one in charge of it all. I don't like being in charge and guess what-- I think I have someone who will take it from me and do wonderful things with it. In fact, I might just stick around a few more years if it goes through. So the next couple of weeks is tying up loose ends and getting ready for the carnival. I have to say that when the carnival comes to town all the little's faces brighten up and it's nice to see people out and about in the community having fun at something I know I did. Well, not just I...but you know what I mean.

School registration is tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to that expense but I guess it's a positive that I only have three to pay for. Zach is going to be a Senior. Geez that doesn't even look right written. I can remember his first day of kindergarten like it was yesterday. School has always been a struggle for him so seeing him looking down the last stretch and almost at the finish line is a blessing in and of itself. We are going out to take his pictures one evening this week. He doesn't know it yet, and I have to wait until I'm ready so he can't argue with me about not wanting pictures taken. Why do boys have to be so damn difficult when it comes to Senior Pictures? The girls couldn't wait to have theirs done. Austin is a Freshman--shut the front door--no he's not (yes, I'm talking to myself). Where have the years gone? I don't know but I do know I can't get them back. The next four years are going to go by like a blink of an eye. Am I ready? I just don't know. So many changes have happened in the past couple of years.
Daily life sometimes drags on and on, but when I look back at how much life has changed and how much I have changed, or not changed...I feel anxious. Being that I'm not a fan of that feeling either, I take a lot of xanax and just let be what is. Do I have a choice? No, I will answer that for myself...but it is high time I start thinking more about me and less about all the other ~~shit~~ crap that I have no control over. Oh, how I would do some things over if only life really did have a REDO button. Good thing it doesn't...

Happy Wednesday--Angie

Daily Dose of Life...

2011-06-23T01:18:00.000-05:00

Summer is finally here...Hooray~! Now what to do? Being the procrastinator that I am I have a million things to do and not much time to get it all done nor the ambition and drive. That's why I'm blogging now in fact...because I don't want to work on this stupid ad book another second. I didn't want to be involved with the ad book this year at all but here I am.

The ad book is almost complete. My adhd kicks in and I lose interest way too easily. In the past I have had a local paper do the book for us but this year we are going with a different company which means I get to do a lot of the leg work that Karen at the paper would have done. Oh well, it's my last year doing anything. I've told everyone that I'm retiring after this year, but I don't think they believe me.

This summer instead of doing auctions (food service) for the Sports Boosters we've decided to do them for ourselves which means the past few Saturday mornings were early ones which meant no alcohol for me unless I wanted to sleep through it. I'm glad I went two weekends ago because I came home with a great piano for $40.00. Emily has wanted to take piano lessons for a long time now and being that she doesn't do sports and she is constantly up my ass, I thought it was a bargain. My husband on the other hand did not. He was pissed at me the whole way home and partway into the evening because we went down there to make money and here I was spending it. Oh well, he got over it real quick when I reminded him how much we've spent on the boys this summer. I"m still looking for a piano teacher and I need to have it tuned but in time...in time. She was thrilled!

My Grandpa passed away June 2nd. Kacie, Aunt Carolyn and myself were with him when he left this world. It was the first time I had been witness to someone dying--it made me a little woozy. One minute the three of us were talking over the sounds he was making and then all of a sudden Aunt C said something along the lines of,"Daddy's breathing better than he has all day." I know it didn't register with her what was happening, but it sure did with me. He became still and took a few slow breathes as Aunt C and Kacie were saying his name and shaking him. He opened up one eye for a brief second and I couldn't take no more and told them both to stop, to let him go. I called my Dad first after I went out into the hallway to get a nurse. I told them I thought we had lost him and someone from behind the counter said they would get his nurse. That put me off a little bit since there were a lot of people with stethescopes sitting behind the counter. I went back in the room and held his hand for a few moments more before they came in and pronounced him. I now have him sitting on my sidetable, or part of him anyway. Cremation is the way to go.

We are having a golf outing here in a few weeks and I've been busy getting sponsors for it. Plus a guy who lives here in town that is a few years younger than me was diagnosed with leukemia. If it weren't for his sister being a match, he probably wouldn't be here today. Thankfully she was and he received a bone marrow transplant, but the family is under a lot of stress and money is an issue...hell, its always an issue. A group of us are putting together a benefit for his family, though he is not too keen on the whole idea. He said he would come for the dinner but then he is leaving. I'm just so thankful that he is still here with us to make that choice.

The boys' have been busy with football since they got out for the summer two days a week. They have went to two camps so far and now Mama is itching to watch some High School football where there is a chance that both of them will get to play together. It's really hard for me to believe that my oldest son is going to be a Senior this coming year and my baby boy a Freshman. Where oh where does the time go?

Speaking of time...my oldest turns 20 tomorrow~ whoot whoot~ one more year and she's legal. She still can't decide where she wants to eat tomorrow night and probably won't make a decision until it's time to go knowing her. She procrastinates worse than her Mother. She is working full time now at the bank since it's summer and then she will be back to school in the fall. Steph turning 20 means that Kacie will be 19 next week. Wow, when did my babies grow up? It makes me a wee bit sad but we all have to grow up sometime...or do we? Ask my Dad! I hope my sense of humor is still as warped as it is today when I'm 60~ I Love My Daddy~

For the first time in as many years as I can remember I will no longer have any children elementary school aged. And to think just a few years back I thought I wanted to have another baby. Thank the god/dess that fleeing thought was just that...fleeing, and then over with. I love babies though and my friend is now babysitting a little guy that I love to play with. But he goes home and I get to sleep all night. What was I Ever thinking?

Fathers Day we had a cookout and invited all the family over. We hadn't done that in such a long time. It was nice just sitting and chit chatting. I swear my father is still a child with some of the stuff he say's, but oh how funny it is. I laughed so hard that evening that my face hurt and my step mother was in tears from laughing which made us all laugh even more. I hope my children tease and play around like my Dad and Aunt do when they get older. They all stayed longer than usual and my Dad even came back after taking my grandmother home. Stephanie and Shane were a little late, but she is still a Seabolt after all...we're always late!

A funny thing happened while she was here on Fathers Day. From out of no where she asked me who a certain person was because she had friended her on facebook. I told her who she was and she asked me if she should accept it? I told her that was completely up to her so she confirmed the request. Steph was like,"sure...go ahead and take a look at my boring life." For crying out loud, she will be 20 years old here in a few hours. I hope to God that someday something will change and we can all live happily ever after without bitterness, animosity, or anger. Those feelings really only hurt the one feeling it and I've preached to my children all of their lives about it. What I guess bothers me is that the (aunt) has me blocked from her facebook. Now what the hell is that all about? Shit, at one time I considered her to be a friend of mine. That was a long time ago, but still. In fact, a few years ago she called me and told me that she had added Kacie as a friend on myspace and that her sister and her got into a fight about it. All I told her then was that she should respect her sisters wishes. I say whatever~I tried over and over again to have the door slammed in my face and blamed for things that I didn't do. I know the truth and have always been more than forthright when it came to the children and their curiosity. There is nothing that Steph doesn't know that the (aunt) could say to her except if it was a lie (different interpretation of truth). I tell ya what though...if and when she sends her a message or talks to her--it better not be this your Mom and Dad wouldn't let us see you bullshit that I've heard so many times it rings in my ears, because that is when the shit will hit the fan. Anyone can say what they will and believe what they will. I will not defend myself or my husband to anyone in her family for what we did or didn't do or for what she did or didn't do. We make choices everyday...sometimes right and sometimes wrong, it's called being human. There are always two sides to the story yes, but I think being asked by her sister to not contact the children all these years was her choice to make, not mine or my husbands. So, we will see and... enough about that mess.

My doctor put me on medication for my fibromyalgia and so far so good. I've been taking it three weeks now and it really is helping me get up and moving. I can definitely tell a difference in my hips, legs, arms, fingers, toes...blah blah blah. The only thing it is not helping is my back which is all outta whack still. I'm not having any more surgical procedures if I can help it though--I don't heal well. I started going to a new doctor in the same practice...I hope she spends more than two minutes with her patients getting to know them. My old doctor got to the point where he was just refilling prescription after prescription. Now I'm addicted to xanax and I know I am. When I don't take it I feel irritable and agitated and get cold chills when it's flipping hot. I told my new doc that I would like to get off all of the medication that I can. It freaks me out that my mom has autoimmune hepatitis and I know all the crap I take cannot be good for my liver or my kidneys. I go back to see her next week and then she is going to schedule me for another emg study and mri and oh I can't forget a colonoscopy...that should be fun...NOT. Thank heavens they will knock me out for it because I don't believe I could handle being awake for the procedure. I've had it done one other time. She wants to make sure that all my diagnosis's are correct. Damn I'm one messed up woman. I can only imagine what old age is going to do to me since I seem to have inherited all of the bad genes while my brother got all the good ones.

Well, that's it for now. I must sleep if I'm going to make it to lunch tomorrow. The girls are going to Dicarlos for Kristy's 40th Birthday and they all like to eat at brunch time. Then Saturday night were going to party it up at Maggie's and who knows where else once ya get us out and about. I'm so looking forward to it that I'm going to take my new camera so I can get some great shots' of our dumb asses. I can't wait~

Until Next Time...
Onreeone (Angie)

Random Ramblings...

2011-06-01T00:28:00.000-05:00

Ugh--do you know how many post's I have sitting here but going no where? I write and delete, I don't post them and honestly, I don't know why. Life has slowed down a little for us which is nice, however, that mean's spending more time together which isn't a bad thing, I'm just not used to it yet.

Memorial Day weekend was pretty uneventful in the Fun department, but we did get a lot of yard work done. I told my husband that it was his weekend and we would spend it doing whatever fancied him and he chose yard work. The front does look nice with all the weeds pulled and a new bed of mulch laid down. All the rain we have had this Spring has made everything grow like crazy. My perrenials are all doing well--some very very well. I swear people go buy stuff after I tell them to come dig up some of what we have already. The hostas have taken over the yard and finally my ferns are growing like I have wanted to them too since I planted then almost 7 years ago. The back yard is a different story all together. I think I may work on it some tomorrow.

He tells me that I try to do too much in one day and I know he is right, but when I get started I can't stop because when I do my whole body locks up on me and the pain is unbearable at times. I started taking a new medication for fibromyalgia--I've only been on it less than two weeks and the doc said it would take some time to build up in my body. Yeah, along with all the other medications that I take for this or that. I've had all the epidural shots I can have in my lower back so I've been doing a lot of stretching and toning trying to build up the back muscles. I tell the doctor that I need a breast reduction--I really believe that would help out a lot with my back pain, but he says no for now. I would so have the surgery as I can't see past my boobs and I hate them.

The school year has once again came to a close. I'm actually very happy but at the same time can already tell it's going to be a long summer. The kids are stir crazy all ready and it just started. Football starts in the morning at 7am for both my boys. I can't believe Zach is going to be a Senior and Austin a Freshman--still makes me wonder where the years have gone? But hey, I officially have no CHILDREN in Elementary school! Whoot Whoot for me. Everyone had to have eye exams for next year and Zach had to have his before he could be tested for SASED so now Everyone in our family is sporting glasses-minus Kacie...and she will someday. My men look great in their new specs if I do say so myself. Now the pocketbook is a little light plopping down almost $1,000.00. Football costs an arm and a leg. I'm thinking about selling a kidney or something to pay for all these extra expenses. It was supposed to get easier financially when we got a few of um outta the house--LOL. .

My great nephew Jake is coming to stay with us for a few weeks the beginning of July. My nephew has cancer and will be starting his bone marrow transplant and could be in the hospital in Colombus for who knows how long, just depends on how long it takes. We are going to stay a few weeks after he gets home to help Audry and the rest of the family. I know when my kids were young it would have been nice to have help when unforseen circumstances arose. I really love my nephew Mark. I feel sorry for him with all those crazy ass women in Ohio. They are like a cult--and Auddy and I have a great time making fun of them, so it should be a good time. My honey will like that he's got the place to himself--and Zach--for a few weeks...they can bond and or kill each other.

My Grandpa is back in the hospital again, this time I think it is worse and I worry that he may not make it home. He is in congestive heart failure and has kidney disease which all you nurses out there will know is not a good combination, especially in an 80 year old man. I was just out at the nursing home the other day and he looked great. Goes to show how fast they can deteriorate. He's tired of it and I don't blame him. I don't want to see him suffer or be in any pain, which I know he is right now. I'm torn because I'm selfish and I want him here, but at the same time...I would rather he be at rest, he deserves that much. I guess I'm preparing myself for the worst and hoping for the best. I called Kacie tonight to let her know that he is back in and she was ready to come home tonight. I told her to wait and I would call her tomorrow after I go see him. She will be home this weekend any way because we have a wedding to go to.

Our nephew Chris is marrying an adorable young woman named Vanessa and omg they have the most beautiful little girl, Hunter. We haven't spent much time with them in years past but I see that changing. Chris didn't feel like he should be a part of our family for hurts in the past, but that is past and family is important. I am super excited to get to use my new camera for the wedding which will be on the Lake. Well, guess that's it for now--hope tomorrow finds me and you well and ready to take anything on.

Until next time...........................................

A Picture Blog of the Beautiful Full Moon in Scorpio

2011-05-23T08:20:00.000-05:00

I got a new camera for my anniversary/birthday present. One that I had been waiting a long time for. I'm still muddling through how to use it, but think I got a few good shots the other evening. It was difficult due to the heavy cloud coverage, but once I got my iso down the pictures started appearing. So here are a few of my favorites for your viewing pleasure.

I didn't do much manipulating to these pictures--just some cropping and level's adjustments.
I love the moon--Luna and all her majesty never seize to amaze me. There were so many clouds covering her that night that I wasn't sure if I would ever get a picture of her. But another facebook friend of mine posted one and I was out shooting pictures of the moon at midnight. Hope everyone out there has a Great Monday. Only a few more days of school left here for us and I can't begin to say how happy I am that summer break is almost here. This school year has been very long it seems.

Until next time............................

Helpless

2011-05-23T00:54:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt helpless? I do right now. Someone that I am very close too, one of my best friends who I call sister and whom I care dearly for is on the verge of a meltdown. I've known her for what seems like my whole life. We have been friends since grade school and she is the only one I have left that is close to my age that I have stayed in contact with all these years. I babysat for her when her children were small and have been a part of her children's lives all, of their lives. I've watched them grow up and we as a family, were close to them when they were a family. I haven't spoke to his Dad since he left, but I'm appalled at the lack of parenting he has done since he has been gone. He doesn't call, he doesn't write, he doesn't even facebook him. Parent's get divorced everyday--but they don't divorce their offspring!

Today I am torn between what I want to do and what she has asked me not to do, at least not now. She and her ex husband split up 3+ years ago. She has been solely responsible for the rearing of her children since their break-up. Her oldest daughter is not biologically his, but she called him Daddy for 13 years so I think it has been hard on her too considering that her Dad hasn't really been a Dad to her either.

Since their breakup he has gotten remarried to a gal with three children of her own, though she has custody of two of them. He joined the Army and has been stationed in Germany for almost two years now. I don't know his wife, but she seems like a decent enough person. He won't speak to the mother of his son. In his own immaturity ,G gets put in the middle when it comes to communication between his mom and dad so the new wife talks and R still sits in the background running her useless lips.

I've known for a long time that it has been bad for her at home where her boy is concerned. But as he gets older I fear for her and what he is capable of doing. I know that he has hit her, punched her, kicked her, cussed her out, threw things at her and just about any other destructive, disrespectful thing you can think of. He has never acted out this way in front of me, however, that all changed yesterday.

For the last month or so G has known that his Dad was coming to the states for a visit. Not because he called him or wrote him, but because it was posted on his step-mom's facebook wall. I use the term step-mom very loosely here since she barely knows G or has been around him since their marriage. They were supposed to have arrived yesterday though he found out again through facebook that they actually came in on Saturday. He got angry with his mom about it and told her that they were liars. I was there because I had called to see if R (Dad) had contacted G yet and she said No, but that he had called and left a message with his Aunt (R's sister). G was getting bent out of shape trying to be patient for a return call, and he was taking it out on her.

I feel horrible for G--he has had a rough year or really it's always been rough for him because he also has some special needs. He was diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar. School has been absolutely impossible for him because he is so angry, everyone pisses him off and there is nothing his mother can do about it.She fought to keep in school as long as possible and then a few weeks ago, after Easter break he went back to school like everyone else. While waiting in line to get breakfast before loading the bus the Vice Principal called him out and asked him what he was doing there? He had been suspended before break and then the tornado's happened so the kids got an extra day off because of damage done to the school. G didn't know, as his mother did not know that he had to spend another day out because of the extra day off and he ended up getting suspended again because he "talked back and was disrespectful" to the VP. Honestly, there wasn't anything he could have said to him and obviously if his Mom had known she wouldn't have sent him that day. After that, G decided that the school does not want him either. Imagine, being a child and feeling like not only does your father not want you, but the school system has turned their back on him as well. It saddens and disgusts me all in the same breath. I know she is afraid of him and I hate that. She shouldn't be afraid of her own son, it makes me sick. He's going through puberty which makes this time in his life even more challenging. Not having a male figure in the house is hard on his as well. Really, the child just has a lot of issues that both his parents need to be able to address and deal with together for his sake.

Needless to say after G's Aunt got the second message she had R call him. D has been trying to talk to his dad and wife for a while now about some different living arrangements. Though it is killing her, she has decided that it is in G's best interest to go stay with his father for a while. However, she doesn't want him living in Germany and wanted to ask if once they come back to the states that it could happen. Personally, I feel that G would be better off with his Father even if so he can see that life is not greener on the other side. He gets angry with his mom about EVERYTHING when he does not get his way, the way he wants it to be. G wanted to tell his dad about going to stay with him but D wanted to talk to them about it first. So yesterday G asked his dad if he would talk to his mom and R gave the phone to M (step mom). My friend has to discuss with her what she and his father should be talking about. When D told her about what has been going on, the conversation between them seemed to last forever, even to me. G was getting even more agitated so I finally told her to cut the conversation off and let G talk to his Dad. Of course the first thing he asked was if he was going to get to come stay with them while they are in the States? He wanted to go last night but had a Dr's appt. this morning. He was trying to mediate and make arrangements since it would kill R to talk to D. I heard G ask him to come to his baseball game tonight and then say, "there's two sides...you can sit on one and mom can sit on the other."

Seriously--the man is more concerned about not seeing his ex wife and mother of his only son as he is about seeing his son. I don't freaking get it! and it pisses me off. It's pissed me off all along and I've in the past threatened to write him and tell him about the situation though because my friend has asked me not too, I haven't. When things didn't go the way that G thought they should be, again...he took it out on his Mother. He was being disrespectful to her while he was on the phone but after the call was lost or (someone hung up) he stomped out of his room calling her names and telling her it was her fault, with rage in his eyes and curse words coming from his mouth.

He became verbally abusive and she in turn gave it back to him. Now, in this kind of situation with a child who has special needs I do not believe that she know's how to handle the situation. I know personally how hard it is to walk away from a verbally abusive child, but that is what she needs to do. Getting angry and yelling back at him is Never going to get them anywhere. I'm not criticizing her...not at all. I'm afraid for her and wish there was more that I could do to help them both get through this.

Update: I started writing this several days ago before G got to spend some time with his father. I will just say that by the 2nd day he was calling his Mom and she could hear his Dad in the background yelling at him and calling him names. He was to come home Friday morning so she told him that she was not going to come and get him and that he and his Dad needed to work out whatever the issue was. I won't go into great detail but it had something to do with his step sister. I still can't put G's shoes on, which is something I'm not good at. I'm so angry with his father for what he has done to this child. The coward doesn't even know the damage that he causes and brings to the table when he decides to pretend to be a Daddy. As a woman I can't comprehend what that feels like for a stable young man, let alone one that already has severe emotional issues. I think I may hate the man though I don't like using that term because most of the time there is a very thin line between love and hate. Here it is different though, I just can't not care. D feels the same way and this time she has reason too. When she and her first husband split up, she hated him too, but that was because she loved him. Now, 15 years later...she doesn't care about her first husband though he is a loser too that has not been a father to his daughter either. Thankfully Chelle knows what a piece of shit he is and she is the one who now chooses to have nothing to do with him.

I will end by saying that last evening I spent a few hours at his house and he seemed to be doing okay. I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him. I feel so sorry for him and minding my own business with this particular situation is driving me crazy. But I will keep my mouth shut for as long as I can hold my tongue and pray that in the mean time he doesn't severely injure his mother because then, I don't know if I would be able to forgive myself.

Until next time...........................................

Tornado Part 2...April 19, 2011

2011-05-17T01:27:00.000-05:00

The home my Step Father grew up in

My Step- Grandfather whom I have known my whole life was 99 years old when he passed on. He was a good man, a righteous man who served his country during WWII and was involved in four of the major battles during that time. He died on April 18th at a local nursing home where he had resided for about six months due to Alzheimer's, his inability to function, and his own safety. It was hard watching him go down hill and was, in my opinion, a welcomed parting. To tell you how strong this man was, he laid in a bed for ten days waiting to die with no food, no nourishment, no fluids etc. He had fallen one day on his way back to his room and was unconscious after that time until the end. He moaned and groaned some so Morophine was administered to ensure that he was comfortable.

We called him Grandpa Sonny, but his name was really Steve. Girard had no power anywhere when the tornado was done reeking havoc which stretched approximately four miles. Luckily she did not go through the town, but out skirted to the west and north. I called my Mom about 10:00 pm to see if they had heard from the funeral home as his service was scheduled for 11:00 am the next day How were we supposed to have a funeral with no electricity. They had not received a phone call so all was still on as planned.

the barn and shed--whats left

The family went out to the old farm the day he passed away. I had been out there not too long ago showing the property off to a friend of mine who is looking to buy land. He owns sixteen acres which has rolling hills, trees, and a creek running behind. When I was little I loved going out there and playing in the old barn and down by the creek. It's a beautiful piece of land.

The night of the tornado while Mark and I were out trying to see the damage but not gleaning much due to the darkness we headed out toward the farm. The road was blocked off and we could see Rural Electric trucks sitting at the bottom of the hill which looked as if they were blocking off the drive to pull in to the old farm. Directly to the right of us was where the road sign once stood showing the turn. The sign was there, but was bent over and badly damaged. Now looking back, I'm surprised it was still there at all. Since we could not go down that direction we stayed on the road which wound back to the right where land was now on both sides of us. With it being so dark and the trees and limbs strewn all over the roads we decided to head back home and wait until day light and go back.

close up of the old house-

The next morning we took off for Girard and was going to see if we could get to the house from the opposite direction to no avail, it was blocked off too. We turned around and I told Mark to go around the other side and see what we could see from the road. From the path of destruction the ole girl took, I knew that the farm would no longer be there but still had a glimmer of hope that the house was still standing. From the road I could see that the four walls were there but I knew the roof was gone. Heading back to town I made the comment to my husband that Grandpa didn't want anyone else living in that house and he had gotten his wish because it was not fixable now.

We came home and got ready for the funeral. With the thoughts of the previous evening still playing in my mind. The service was very nice with a lot of people there. After ward we all went out to the cemetery where the Sons of the American Legion were waiting to present. I was standing behind my Mom and Step Dad when the man with the flag presented it to him. I looked over to my left and there he stood, a red fox. I had never seen a red fox out in the daytime and especially with so many people around. It was like he was watching us and then he took off slowly walking right in front of us, behind the tent. After passing the tent he stopped again and turned around and looked at us then turned back and headed into the timber to the East.

That evening at about 6:00 the road was finally opened and we could get in to see what all was left of the old farm that had raised generations of kids. It was a feeling I got, Grandpa didn't want anyone else living in what he had built so now it was gone. I believe in the dead speaking to us through ways of communication that some may find questionable, but it's what I feel. Seeing that fox took me to a deeper level of understanding. I strongly believe that he sent that fox that day to show us all that he was okay where he was and that everyone of us should live out our lives to the fullest as he had.

taken a few years ago.

He is now gone from this life but will never be forgotten for what he did while he was on this earth and the people he touched. As well, now every time I see a fox I will think of Grandpa. The genius that he was.

Tornado Part 1...April 19, 2011

2011-05-13T17:45:00.000-05:00

April 19, 2011 is a day I will remember for the rest of my life...less of course I get Alzheimers or dementia which is a possibility, but anyway. It started out like most days in Springtime Illinois--you never know what your going to get. It ended with an F3 tornado touching down just a few miles away from our home. Our son was in Girard that afternoon as he had called after school to see if he could stay with his friend. I didn't think anything of it so I said it was fine. My friend had came to pick up her children that I watch after school and Emily decided she was going to go home with them for a bit...okay, nothing unusual. Mark had a meeting of the minds with much testosterone at the Sports Boosters building, so it was just Zach and I when it came. All of a sudden the clouds were black and it looked as if it were nighttime except for a crazy green look. The wind died down and then the tornado sirens went off. We are fortunate enough to have one just a hop skip and a jump from our house. I was in the laundry room looking out the window wondering where these funnel clouds were because all I could see was solid black. I'm not afraid of storms--but what I was afraid of was not having my people with me where they needed to be. I don't know why--maybe because my own Mother is petrified of storms--and she would have a melt down in front of my brother and I when we were growing up, especially if my Dad wasn't home. I decided before I had children that I would not let them see any fear in me during storm season because I remember all too well how I felt as a child with a crazy mother during storms. She's 56 and told me after this last one that she wanted to build a storm shelter.

I tried calling Austin but the phone lines weren't working so I texted him. Once it finally went through on the fourth try he replied that they had went to the next door neighbors house and was in there basement. He was fine~ which is something in and of itself. In 2006 a tornado ripped through Springfield and he didn't speak for almost a week. He became the family meteorologist from that day on. Every morning before school instead of cartoons Austin watched the weather channel. One of my friends, Tammy, would call him for weather updates from time to time. It was pretty awesome because he was more accurate in his predictions at times vs. the weatherman who is ~~always~~ most of the time wrong. So knowing that Austin was okay in a place away from home during a tornado made me feel a little better. Not that I knew at the time what had actually taken place down there. I wasn't so much worried about Em. I knew Gramma Marcia and Kristy would make sure the kids were in a safe place. Mark--well he's a man. He texted me when it started in to ask if I was alive? I guess if I hadn't responded he would have thought me dead.

Zach was at this point still up in his room so when the wind started whipping and the rain flying by the window without touching the ground I made him come downstairs.Branches were flying everywhere and basically anything that wasn't bolted to the ground was being strewn all over our neighborhood. We watched for a few seconds out the kitchen window which I had cracked open and then the lightning started and the thunder which seemed to be a never ending sight and sound. I told him to go unplug all the electrical stuff in the living room and I headed for the bedroom to unplug the computer. That is when our crazy experience happened--something I had never experienced before and could live the rest of my life and not have it happen again.

Zach was in the living room and peeped out the window because he said it looked like someone was driving through our yard. At about the same time I was coming around the corner from the bedroom when all of a sudden all the power went off in the house and we were engulfed in green and blue. I felt like I couldn't move for a second and then there was a big bang and all the power came back on. It was the most oddest feeling, like everything was being sucked in for a second and then let back out with the bang. Our neighbor behind us was watching and texted Zach to see if we were alright because he had seen it happen from his front yard. He said the same thing--that everywhere around our house was green and blue for a second. Mark say's we were being shocked--and I have to believe him because well, he is an electrician. He came home just a few moments later... which seemed like a lifetime though I don't know how he could see to drive with the rain beating down like it was.

What we experienced however was nothing compared to the devastation that ripped about a four mile path through the North part of Girard. As soon as the rain died down enough to leave I said ,"let's go." We made it almost to town before being stopped by emergency personnel who detoured us around the east side. Power lines were laying across Route 4 and the old farmhouse and barns that had been deteriorating for years was gone. Well, the house was still barely standing but nothing else including farm equipment which had been picked up and tossed around.

Once on the road leading east we first came upon debris of twisted metal which had once been grain silos. As we got closer everything was demolished. The barns, the house, the garage, the silos--all a heaping pile. Mark told me that the residence was Mark Prose's. I was like, "no way." But it was...it was also the last hole we stopped to golf at during the Barn to Barn Golf Outing which I will have to share with you another day. We finally made it to Girard, grabbed our child and went back out the same way we came in. The Prose family had barely made it to their basement in time that day and then had to be dug out from underneath the debris that was their brick home they had built only four years ago. That goes to show that maybe the big bad wolf can't blow a brick house down, but an F3 tornado sure as hell can.

I have no idea how long the tornado was on the ground but I do know that from the farmhouse on Rt. 4 to the Prose residence she never picked up. Of course there are those people who after it was all over had to drive around and rubberneck at the destruction. We were not those people even though I really wanted to be. We did go out later in the evening ~~but only~~ to see the damage done to the high school since the Superintendent had called to let everyone know our children were getting an extra day Spring Break and that they would let us know if the kids could come back on the day they were scheduled to return. Well, so we drove down to Girard on the back roads because everyone was talking about Henry Road and the path she left there. Not that we could see anything in the dark except what our headlights showed. It was rather weird to drive back into Girard though since all the power was out except for the lights on the emergency medical and firefighters trucks who were still working on Rt. 4. Once we got home I was amazed at all the video and pictures that were already being posted by not only community members, but Real Life Storm Chasers.

I am going to stop here for the moment and will pick back up with Grandpa who passed away on the 17th and who's funeral was to be held on the 20th--the day after... in Girard.

Life...and Death

2011-05-10T22:15:00.000-05:00

I, like so many in my family lack patience. I've never prayed for patience though or asked to be given more on any occasion for fear of having put before me something that would test them. I accepted within myself that a part of me...that part of me that is not patient is just a part of who I am. I blame it on the gene pool. My Grandmother for instance is not patient, never has been, nor my Father. She has always been the kind of woman that when she want's something done, she wanted it done yesterday. That is who she is and at 84 I hardly doubt that will change. If anything she is less patient now than she has ever been. I joke around with her about how old people should be nicer cause they're closer to kicking the bucket but she doesn't give a rats ass (her words not mine), with the life that she was dealt she can be however she want's to be. Go Grandma! and that is just how it is.

She reads her bible everyday and does her devotions. When she departs this earth I have asked for the old worn out falling apart piece of her--it's really the only thing that I want because it means so much to her and she has had the same one since I was a little girl. She has always believed that God has gotten her through this life. Her faith, she tells me... is what has kept her alive through times where she should have died. She, by no means had an easy childhood. In fact, she doesn't know who her father was and her step father hated her and was mean to her. She moved to Illinois after meeting my Grandfather in California while he was on leave from the Army during World War II. Soon after they married she bore four children back to back. They moved into the home that they still reside in and my aunt and uncle's were all raised in. My Grandfather was actually born in the bedroom that he sleeps in today. Well, not today because he is in the hospital...but when he gets home...if he comes home. The house has been in our family for over 100 years. I fear the day that they are gone and what they will do with it. I can't imagine another family living in that house. I think they should give it to my brother like it was given to them by my Great Grandfather.

My Dad is their baby and he's 60 years old. Wow--my Daddy is 60!!! Why is it that I still look at all of them like I did when I was a child? Like I've aged and they have all stayed the same. I don't see them any differently than I did growing up though I know that is ridiculous. I think it really hit home today when I walked into that hospital room and saw the once handsome older man laying there in that hospital bed having a hard time breathing. He's been going down hill for some time now though I didn't want to see it or believe it. I have been the bad grand daughter who has stayed away so that I didn't have to. I grew up not even a block away from my grandparents so I was always there. It was my second home. I've had no patience to deal with the constant attention that they have required especially with my Grandmother. Thankfully my Dad retired when the Coal Mine shut down and he has taken on most of the responsibility of getting them to and from doctors appointments, running errands and the like. When we moved back to our home town I did it...but remember that was ten years ago. A lot has changed in those ten years. I have changed--

Grandpa was put in the hospital last Thursday because he was retaining so much fluid that it was around his heart and lungs. His kidney's were not functioning properly either. But he let himself get to the point where he had to go to the hospital. Instead of taking care of himself he waited until there was no other alternative. My Dad gets extremely irritated with both of them which sometimes irritates me. I know I have not been that great to them the past year or so but that is going to change. I don't want to have any regrets or guilt when they are gone--hell, I already feel guilty and they're both still living. Grandpa was put in the icu this morning because the staff could not wake him up and his lips were blue...non responsive. He told me while I was there today that they were all beating him up. The staff got him aroused finally and got his blood pressure up and they were putting dopamine in his iv.

I hadn't been to the hospital to see him yet before today. My Dad took me and my brother up with him when he went. Hell, he didn't even know if he was going to go up today. Dad didn't call either to tell me what was going on. Luckily my Aunt went through the drive up at the bank and told my daughter who called me. Dad and brother weren't there long and I stayed with my Aunt to ride back home with her. I guess at this stage in the game I don't know what I would want done if it were me in Grandpa's shoes. I only say that because before my aunt and I left the hospital his nurse was talking to us about Power of Attorney for Healthcare reasons because they did not have one on file for him. The nurse stated that she had asked Grandpa about what he would want if he went into cardiac arrest and he told her to do what they had to do to keep him alive. On our way out I stopped in admissions and picked up a packet for Dad to look at because well, my grandmother is almost blind and deaf and is easily confused. Dad has power of attorney if Grandma cannot perform the duty. Just the thought alone of having to make that decision of when it's time to let go if that is what it comes down to is not something that I ever want to have to do.

I went over to Dad's after my Aunt dropped me off to take it to him and talk about what all happened after he left. Dad said upon looking at the document that Grandpa had signed one before as a DNR and they should have it on file at the hospital because he had a copy of it in the safe. My Dad said that the quality of life that Grandpa has is not good and he doesn't see it improving with all of the problems that he has going on now. My step mom spoke up then and said that he needed to talk to Grandpa himself about what he would want because he might have changed his mind. Now that he may be staring death in the face he's decided that he's not ready which is his prerogative. My Dad almost seemed put off by what I told him Grandpa told his nurse. I'm not judging because I don't know what I would do or how I would feel if I were my Dad..but, My Dad has been extremely lucky to have both of his parents living at there age. Everyone else has lost either their mother or father or in my step parent's place...both.

So, tomorrow I plan on going out for lunch with my Mom since I didn't get to see her on Mother's Day and then going to the hospital to visit with the old fart. When I get back in town I'm going to stop by and visit with my Grandma. I'm also going to try to remember everyday that putting off what I could do today for another day may find me feeling guilty because I didn't do what I should have when I had the chance. I'm still not going to ask for patience with them but if you could say a prayer, light a candle, or just send some healing vibes and positive energy this direction...I would be grateful.

Thank's--Angie (Onreeone)

F*c$in Perfect

2011-02-02T20:14:00.000-06:00

I'm sure everyone has heard this song, but has everyone watched the video? I love PINK--everything this woman is and say's someone somewhere can relate to. I read many blogs, probably too many. Some of the blogs I ~~Read Alot~~ Stalk are written by women who have a time dealing with with their disorders. Bipolar for one sticks out in my mind. I've written a few posts myself about my downer days and coping with depression because I suffer just like them, that is who I am...but it doesn't have to define ME.

This song makes me cry every time I hear it. Why? Because I have felt inferior, I have felt mistreated, misunderstood and abused. I have dealt with my demons and continue to deal with them every day of my life. I have been mean to myself, putting myself down before giving anyone else a chance to. I have hated myself at times in my life...so this song really means something to me. I hope you will watch the video and listen to the words....Because WE are ALL FUCKING PERFECT!

Lyrics to Fucking Perfect

Made a wrong turn

Once or twice

Dug my way out

Blood and fire

Bad decisions

That's alright

Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated this place

Misunderstood

Miss knowing it's all good

It didnt slow me down.

Mistaking

Always second guessing

Underestimating

Look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please

Dont you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than

Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please

If you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing

You're fucking perfect to me

You're so mean

When you talk

About yourself, you were wrong

Change the voices in your head

Make them like you instead

So complicated

Look how we all make it

Filled with so much hatred

Such a tired game

It's enough

I've done all I can think of

Chased down all my demons

I've seen you do the same

Pretty, pretty please

Dont you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than

Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please

If you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing

You're fucking perfect to me

The whole worlds scared

So I swallow the fear

The only thing I should be drinking

Is an ice cold beer

So cool in line

And we try, try, try

But we try too hard

And it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics

Cause they're everywhere

They don't like my jeans

They don't get my hair

Exchange ourselves

And we do it all the time

Why do we do that?

Why do I do that?

Yeeeeaaaahhh

Oooooooh

Oh baby pretty please

Pretty, pretty please

Dont you ever feel

Like you're less than

Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please

If you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing

You're fucking perfect to me

You're perfect, you're perfect

Pretty, pretty please

If you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing

You're fucking perfect to me

and without further ado PLEASE WATCH: This is the censored version--but you can find the uncensored at VEVO.

Lovely Days~

2011-02-01T16:18:00.000-06:00

The National Weather service has issued a blizzard for parts of Central Illinois. Is that all? Everyone is talking about how this could be the worst storm ever in recorded history. I highly doubt that or maybe its just my positive outlook these days that tells me different. However, since yesterday afternoon it has slowly been building...the ice that is! Ice ice everywhere. I don't mind the snow, but the ice makes me want to curl up in my blanket and go to sleep. Call me when it's all over. Of course, the kids are having a great time with all the snow days they've had so far this year (they'll be wishing they'd been in school now when the weather is nice and there still in a classroom in the middle of June). Oh well, Mother Nature has decided we need ice and snow or snow and ice--whichever, they now are one on top of the other on top of the other.

Hopefully my husband wont get called out to work in this crap and I do feel bad for all the people who do have to go out (lights flickering as I type). Many rural homes have been without power most of the day already so we are feeling blessed to still be connected to the outside world. Hell, we may have to get a generator cause mama don't know if she can live without the internet. I called my friend at our local internet service provider and he told me to get out on the roof and shake the ice off the antenna if it goes out. I don't know if I'm brave enough to do that, but I have a almost seventeen year old son who will be more than happy too. He's been outside trying to shovel the ice while getting pelted in the head (not the sharpest knife in the drawer) but he's mine.

Hope everyone out there is enjoying the same weather as I. I wouldn't want anyone to miss out on this fun stuff. The medicine has finally kicked in as I have been sick since last Thursday. I' m such a big ass baby when I'm sick. It's been going around our house and the Lysol can has become my bestest friend. Our only family member not to get the crud is Austin, but he stays away from us most of the time. He comes down for food and to bath...yep- that's about it.

Hope the weather service is wrong--I'm just gonna say it is right now. There's no freaking way were going to get 21 inches of snow by tomorrow when it cant decide what it wants to do. Come on already--snow or ice--make up your damn mind.

Cozy and Comfy with a big mug of hot chocolate~ Onreeone

Mrs. Positive

2011-01-24T23:04:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure how I became part of this hop today, but it looks like I'm at the top of the list. Follow me and I'll follow you!!!

I know I've been out of sink when it comes to my blogging, but I have been reading and keeping up to date on my personal favorites...you know who you are...or I hope you do. To tell ya the truth, it's not for a lack of things to blog about, but as I go through my mad mind I have found not much optimism in my subject matter. I've been a little down and a whole lot disturbed with some of the happenings here on the home front. I'm not blaming any of that for my lack of blogging, but it does have some relevance.

I'm trying to be a positive person in a negative world. Do you know how hard that is? When it comes to the organizations we are involved in and family matters it seems like every step I take forward brings me back two steps. I have intentionally been keeping myself away from people that bring me down and have lost some frienships along the way (obviously they weren't friends to begin with). But I look at it like this...I want peace, I want joy, I want happiness and the only person who is going to give me those things is ME. I can't rely on my spouse or my children or even my friends. Not being around negativity and refusing to be negative have helped me a great deal in the past several months. I'm learning to let go...and oh how good that feels.

My first responsibility is to my family, it always has been. I have fought and argued my way through thus far, I now choose to pick my battles. Oh believe me, if I was going to lose it it would have been a few weeks back when the University sent a letter and then called me about my second oldest child. To make a long story short--if I can--I'm going to try-- anyway. So lets back up to before we took her up to college. (If I knew how to throw in a blog here I would because I have blogged about her more than any of the rest of my children, but I don't know how so if anyone reading this could help a sister out in this area, it would be much appreciated). Now back on to this train wreck of a story. Let me put it this way...it was not by CHOICE that Kacie was not returing after the semester ended. After receiving a letter in the mail saying that she was academically dismissed for not maintaining a 2.0 gpa. A 2.0 basically means C's. Uh hum--clears throat* my child's gpa is a 0.18. Yep, you read that right. She flunked every class but her History class which she got a D in. I know as I read that letter the steam was coming out of my ears and my face was blood red and I even think I hyper-ventilated a little. Why then when asked for those five months, trusting that she was up there first and foremost for her schooling and not her social life--and being told over and over that it was "all good". Then I get a phone call from the school asking about the Parent Promissory Note that they needed me to sign for the semester so that the school could receive the money. The business office had no idea about her being dismissed or about her quitting the track team (which was the reason she chose that school in the first place. I told the business office that I was under the impression that she had all of her paperwork in and that she was just transferring down to Edwardsville SIUE. Next I was informed of the balance left on her account and that the school would have to do an exit interview with her and that she had not transferred her grant money to the new school. Basically, she packed up and ran away thinking it would not catch up to her, or something along those lines. How she thought she was going to get away with it is beyond me...but then again, I don't think she was thinking much at all.

I'm sure you can hear the conversation that came next as I called her up to "discuss" what the eff was going on, because I had no clue what to think. She then proceeded to tell me that it had to be wrong. I sent her a copy of the letter and gave her all the information that the business office had given me. As of right now she is not going to school and cannot go to any school until she pays off her 5 month very expensive vacation. Later that day she texted me and gave me a bullshit lie about figuring out why her gpa was so low....oh yeah, it was because of the Math class that she dropped. I knew it was a lie but let her stand on it until she couldn't anymore. Mom done some digging into her Portal at the university where her grades were posted. I couldn't get them through the phone because they couldn't release them to me. She had changed her password thinking I wouldn't be able to break in...but ha ha...this Mom pretty much knows everything from where she was born to what her favorite flower is and I went in and changed her password so that I could access her portal. I had to get the truth somehow and knew it wasn't going to come from her. She was totally shocked when I handed her a printed off sheet of her grades, but didn't even question how I got them. Speaking of dropping a class.....she never dropped the class like she said, she just didn't go.

Now, since I proclaim that I'm not going to be negative I had to find the positive in this situation somehow. I did it... I had to rationalize it to myself, but here's how I see it: We all have to learn our own way. I could talk until I'm blue in the face (which I have) to no avail with this child of mine. She has put herself into a situation and no matter how hard it is for me to stay out of it , I am. Am I disappointed...Yes, but I'm hoping for the best. I've always told my children that no matter what I love them even if I don't like some of the things they do. However, lying to me is the same as betraying me and I don't deal well with that. I just want my children to be happy and honest. Right now she is neither and that kills me, but hopefully she will learn from this mistake and move on.

That's all for this evening--tomorrow I will catch ya up on the Picnic and the Boosters. I am happy to say that thus far the new program has donated more than $20,000.00 to the school district. Just the other night we voted to pay for a new weight room at a cost of almost $12,000.00 who can complain about that? Right--hahaha Wrong, but that's for tomorrow. I'm back and looking forward to writing this year.

Just change my name to Mrs. Positive--that's officially who I am

Onreeone~

Weekend Reflection Meme

2011-01-01T20:32:00.000-06:00

What a joyous evening last night was. However, I'm paying for it today...lol I seriously doubt that I'm alone in this feeling. I have to wonder why we do this to ourselves? It reminds me of Eat Pray Love The Movie when Julia's character is sitting in the barber shop being told by one of the gentleman about how American's do not know how to relax. How they do and don't need to be told too. How he goes home in the afternoon to sleep with their wife. He says that We see a commercial on television that says,"you deserve a break today," so we run out and buy a six pack...drink it down and then feel like crap the next day and can't get out of our pajamas. He went on to tell her that we are always so busy that on the weekends all we wanna do is stay in our pj's and do nothing. I love love love that movie, of course not as much as the book...but anyway.

I entered my photo into a Meme called Weekend Reflections (I think) and Sunny who is a wonderful blog friend is hosting it. To check out the others go to this link and maybe even link up one of your own on your blog.

Newtown Area Photo

In this photo there are a few reflections. One is the wreath itself reflecting off of the mirror, another is a tree which is not the tree in the photo and then lastly, a small reflection of the table scape on top of my curio cabinet that holds my antique glassware from my grandmother.

This photo show a reflection of you guessed it...me and the same tree from the other picture. That tree is our family tree which holds the collection of ornaments (one for each of my children for every year they've been born. You can also see a door in my living room and some of the rest of my home in this reflection--I just love this picture.

Hope you enjoyed and come back again soon. I love comments (doesn't everyone) so leave me one if you will. Happy New Year to all you fellow bloggers out there and may all your dreams come true in this year to come. IT IS GOING TO BE A GREAT YEAR--I just know it.

Angie at One Day At A Time (Onreeone)

New Years and Resolutions

2010-12-31T15:25:00.000-06:00

Hello and Happy New Years Eve to all you wonderful people out there in Blogville. What a year it has been for us here in what some refer to as the armpit of Illinois. Illinois really isn't all that bad. It's a pretty cool looking state on the map anyway. I've never adventured to Southern Illinois and the Shawnee National Forest. From what I've been told its pretty spectacular, even forgetting about the corn and soybean fields that surround the area for a moment. Maybe we should venture down there one of these days--I think so. Maybe that could be a New Years resolution for 2011--to take the family on vacation to the forest to hike, and just love nature and all the beauty she holds.

Why do we make New Years Resolutions? What does it mean anyway and where did it come from. I'd also like to know how many people actually have stuck to their resolution and never looked back? So in my quest for knowledge on this subject I did a little research. How in the hell did we ever live without Google? Okay so now I know, but yet I'm still having a hard time ascertaining how the Roman calendar and a Mythical God play into the whole resolution thing.

In 153 BCE Janus, a mythical king of early Rome was placed at the head of the Roman calendar by the Roman Senate. In legend Janus had two faces which he used to look to the future and the past. Since it was believed that Janus could forgive transgressions, many Romans would give gifts and make promises at the beginning of the new calendar year. Their belief was that Janus would see this and then bless their life for the entire year. ( History of New Years Resolutions) So, is the promise that the Romans made to Janus their resolutions for the year? I guess so, even though making a promise to someone or something to me is not the same as making a promise to oneself. But okay...whatever.

I've never been good at New Years Resolutions so I don't make them. Well, not really... I do make a resolution every year to Not Make A Resolution. I started this a few years back when I got tired of being disappointed in myself for lack of self control. It's a mind game really I think and I've learned that if I don't promise myself something I'm more apt to actually do better than if I do promise myself. Take for instance...to quit smoking all together. I would love it if I didn't smoke but in actuality, I do better with not smoking if I smoke than if I tried to quit. See, its a mind game to me. But anyway...

This past year has brought a lot of change for me. It started with my oldest moving out. I thought that it would be harder on me, but I must admit now that it was time for her to go. She will be 20 years old in June, the same as that I was when I became her Mom (unofficially at the time), but still played the role in absence of her Mom whom she above all others missed dearly. I can't imagine her raising children right now or having them for that matter, but what will be will be. I thought that maybe this year she would get an engagement ring, but that didn't happen and I can't say that I'm disappointed.

The second big change came when our second oldest took off for college at a school almost 4 hours from home. It was most definitely her time to move on. The last year of her being at home was to make it clear...HELL. I have struggled to find the trust in her and pride that I once had and can't say that I'm quite there yet. She has since disappointed us and I believe herself, though she would never admit that. Her education at The University of St. Francis was cut short when she decided (on her own and without her father and I's opinion) to quit after her finals. She had already quit the track team in which was the reason she chose that school in particular because of a track scholarship that she was getting. All in all her 1/2 year was approximately a $17,000.00 mistake. In fact, her math class she dropped after the first month in which we didn't have knowledge of until I did some snooping on her portal. Sometimes I think I shouldn't snoop around cause I find out things I really don't want to know. Maybe that could be a resolution--haha! Kacie and I once had a wonderful relationship ( or so I thought). I told her things about myself in hopes of her learning from my mistakes. Instead those things have been thrown in my face on numerous occasions. She has a lot of growing up to do, which is going to happen in the near future. She has decided to move to Edwardsville, where her beau is going to school now that he is done with basic training and is a weekend warrior. They are renting an apartment and sharing it with his sister. I'm not sure how that will work out, but we will see. She plans on getting a job and getting established in the new place before going back to school there as well. I only hope and pray for the best for her because unlike Stephanie, she is going to have to make it on her own now. She will have to work to pay not only for what she want's but food, utilities, rent...and the like.

All in all the rest has pretty much stayed the same. We struggle with Zachary, his education and his attitude. I wanted to buy him a punching back for Christmas to help him with some of his anger but we didn't have anyplace for it and my husband said that he would not hang it in his bedroom. He has gotten better with his lack of disrespect as long as he is getting what he wants. I keep telling myself only two more years--he keeps telling himself the same thing (I know) because he told me. He plans on joining the Navy and following in his Dad and Grandpa's footsteps. I really hope he makes it through and grows as a man while at it. I also hope and pray that he can make it a career as I see only honor and respect for any military servicemen and women. Sometimes I wish that my husband would have been able to stay in the military as he would eligible to retire in only a few short years. Destiny however had another plan and well...we wouldn't be where we are now if that had happened.

Our youngest boy Austin continues to do well in whatever he does and is just an all around good person. Sometimes I wonder if he wasn't switched at birth because he is just THAT GOOD! Mature and wise beyond his years and smart. He is still the child that some people do not know we have because he doesn't have to be seen or heard to be content.

Our Emily is growing up so fast...like all the rest of them have that it makes me a little sad to see my baby not a baby anymore. She is a sweet girl with much joy and happiness. Always with a smile on her face. I pray it stays that way as she gets older. She struggles with her weight, and is built just like her father. I don't like to harp at her about it for I do not want to instill the self image issues I have of my own on her. She is happy with who she is and that makes me happy, even though I worry about her health wise. She struggles with reading and math but is improving. Her teacher told me that she is a very social girl (she doesn't get that from her father).

Mark and I have found some mutual ground to stand on in the past year which has been a great joy for me. I have surrendered being in control of everything and especially where Zach is concerned I have turned over the reign. Believe me when I say how hard it is for me to see something going down and not do anything about it because my husband is oblivious and well....boys will be boys. I know he is almost 17 in my mind so why is it so difficult when I look at him to not see a little boy?

I myself have found more peace this year within myself that I have been trying to find for many years. I have learned to let go of things that I have no control over and find forgiveness in my heart that I didn't realize effected me like it did. I'm not angry or bitter anymore for decisions that others have made. I only have to live with what my conscience will allow. Carrying around all that put more strain on me and only me. In fact, my Mom told me the other day that she has realized the only person that can make her happy is herself. I would have to agree with that on so many levels. I still fight my inner demons, the depression, the mania and the like, but have learned to know that it will not last. For every valley that I go through makes me appreciate even more when I reach the top of the mountain. I have met a lot of very amazing women this year through this blog and I truly appreciate each and every one of you. Reading others' blogs have made me realize that I am not alone in this big old world. That we all have our demons and we all struggle to deal with them in our own way.

This year will be our 14th wedding anniversary and 16 years together. I am amazed that we have made it this far. Marriage by no means is easy, but nothing good ever is. We have grown closer this year to each other and I believe it has something to do with all the other changes we've had in our life. Seeing two of our five children leave home to make their own lives put it into perspective for us of how time really does fly by. I am so thankful for the life I have been given and hope to remember to count my blessings everyday.

I wish the best for all of you, my friends, in the year to come. Let's make 2011 a memorable year. One that someday we can look back on and say we are proud of. I'm going to open my heart, open the door, and break down the walls I have built up around myself for I know that all things come with a price, and I'm willing to pay it. I have learned much about myself and what I am capable of in this past year and only hope to attain to even higher levels of knowledge and wisdom in the year to come.

May peace and love surround each and every one of you and may all your wishes come true in 2011!

Blessing to You All--My Friends

Angie

Christmas Blessings...

2010-12-23T14:37:00.000-06:00

Our Family Tree

Hello and Merry Christmas to all my fellow bloggers. I know it has not been this long since I've posted something since I started blogging, but life sometimes gets in the way. It has been a crazy month here for us. It definitely took me longer to decorate than it has in years past, but two of my biggest helpers no longer live at home and were not here to help me. I also had to stop for a few days to write a TERM paper. NO, I'm not in college right now but Stephanie is a horrible procrastinator. I told her it was the first and the last one I would do. It was pretty decent for a day project. I wrote about the Virden Mine Riot of 1896, and its' importance in the labor movement. Even though Kacie said when she got home from school she was going to do some, its still not done and at this time...I say screw it, it doesn't need done. I did manage to get my three trees up--I love trees--and would have more if I had room. In fact, I sent the computer table and a bookshelf out to live at Stephanie's because I needed more room due to this amazing old couch I was given by a dear friend of mine.

isn't it great--custom made--and old!

I've managed to keep my spirits up this year--I'm sure the vodka and xanax have has something to do with it--but its' all good. The Holidays even though are supposed to be a joyous time, have for several years brought heartache. Last year our very good Friend was killed in a car accident and a few years before that my cousin took her own life at this time of year.

Tree #2 and a reflection of The family Tree

Kacie got home last week from school--her friend Christine brought her down in the worst weather we've had yet. But I know nothing--I just stayed up until they got here which was almost 3, gave my hugs and I love you's, glad your home safe and went to bed. A lot of her stuff is here at home piled in a corner but eventually it will all go to Edwardsville, where she will be living as soon as they get their shit together. She has transferred to another school which I think is wonderful (I never really wanted her to go to Joliet), but at that time, she just had to go before I killed her. Richard, her boyfriend, graduated from AIT last Friday and they will be moving into an apartments with his sister. Keeping my fingers crossed it all works out and trying to not meddle as much as possible, as hard as that may be for me.

Tree by the staircase with a small village

The kids have been out of school more the past couple of weeks than in. Freezing rain--but hardly any snow. Damnit--I want SNOW! Zach was suspended (yet again) for fighting at a HS basketball game and now is not allowed to go to any more extra curricular activities the rest of the year. He and I had a nice couple of days at home...lol I will never understand how the school system thinks that suspending a kid from school is an answer (especially a kid who could care less about school). He looked at it like a vacation where he was going to play video games for three days. HAHAHA--Wrong Answer. Another one of those perks of being a stay at home Mom. Oh he got angry and I told him he could get glad in the same pants he got mad in. Sorry, but ---that's just the way it

Everyone else is good. Just waiting for Santa to come. Emily is driving me nuts but that's okay since in a few more years, or maybe even next year it wont be such a big deal to her. We are going to wrap presents today and then she is going to make fudge with her dad. I do not have one thing wrapped yet so I'm sure once I lock myself in my room I will be there for a while. Mark does help me with the wrapping, he likes to wrap and then I decorate the packages. This year I'm not going all out on all the ribbons for every gift, only a few for each will suffice.

Part of my Santa Collection

Hope everyone has a blessed holiday and Santa is good to ya. I know I've been good so I better get something great! I will try to write more as the season slows down. I have a lot of funny stories and some not so funny to tell, the list of blog topics is piling up. Peace and Love and Light to you all.

Merry Christmas from Our Family to Yours...

Your Friend- Angie
Onreeone

Busy Busy Busy

2010-12-01T23:03:00.000-06:00

Seems like it's been ages since I posted a blog. I don't really have an excuse ( because I always. have something to say). This time of year is more chaotic than usual for me though. By the time I got done fiddle fartin around with changing into a more Holly Jolly looking theme it was time to move on.

Thanksgiving was especially nice this year. I didn't feel all the tension and negative energy that sometimes comes along with family functions. We were even on time. Of course I forgot the crackers but thankfully Mama was looking out for me and bought some. I wish all of our family times could again feel more like they used to. Having all of my children there was nice too. Now that they're growing up it is taking me some adjustment, but I will get there. Stephanie decided to make a feast for the Whalens this year. They normally just go out to dinner if they do anything at all. I'm sure Shammy loves having a lady in the house that cooks and cleans as much as Shane does. It turned out very well and she was Happy with herself and very proud, which she should be. she was taught Well! She also got a new car as hers' was getting ready to turn 100,000 miles.

My dear Kacie came home last Tuesday afternoon. Her train was running way behind but finally made it in two hours late. And then she was off.................Wednesday afternoon she rode down to pick Richard up with his dad. Thursday she thought she was going to not come to dinner, but Mom sat that one straight. She stopped in to eat supper with her Dad on his Birthday (which was the 26th) and then came home Sunday early evening after they dropped Richard back off. Her friend Christine was in Kansas City and stopped and picked her up Monday afternoon. So, really...we didn't see a whole lot of her. We were just the train ride down (lol).

My honey's Birthday dinner was AMAZING- if I do say so myself !!! Fried pork chops, Mashed taters with the skin on, homemade gravy, and corn. I made him a yellow cake with homemade chocolate icing too. He told me it was the BEST cake EVER! Even better than his Moms. I found a different recipe for the icing this time. His Mom's recipe tastes like grease to me....mine was DIVINE. Have I ever mentioned before how much I love chocolate!!!!- Like I have a relationship with it--and the reason I'm still 20 lbs overweight. The more I tell myself that I'm not going to indulge, I go nuts and eat a whole box of ding dongs.

I really can't wait for Basketball season to be over with. I'm just not into basketball and for the life of me can't make myself be. Well, and on top of the fact that Austin doesn't get near enough playing time. I think the coach should look at the stats and see that in the little bit of time he gets in, he always scores at least two baskets and knows how to bring a foul. It's probably my fault that he's not getting in like he should. For some reasons Teachers (well the teachers in our district) don't like for you to disagree with them and not play the fence when it comes to certain issues. But I'm not going to back down or agree just to keep them happy because that isn't my job. My job is to make certain that my child and or children are getting the best education possible.

As well, I've been having Zach send me home dealings on the bus. He's recording them now so that everyone is held accountable (including the bus driver). He has had been in so much crap on that CA bus that I'm ready to pull my hair out! Believe me, if you've been reading my blog for a while you will know that Zach is my well, the middle child and definitely pushes the bar as far as he can. But enough is enough! There not a bunch of ten year olds-and they need to quit acting like it. I don't know why the Principal doesn't have the video tape running--oh yes I do, because he's not following the guidelines either. Okay, now that I got that outta me~

I started putting up the Christmas today. It will take me until the end of the weekend to get it done, But once it is, it is so pretty. I will take pictures and post. I'ts early but I'm beat so off to dreamland I go. Hope everyone is having a fantasic week!

Onreeone~

30 Posts of Truth...Day 5

2010-11-21T21:50:00.000-06:00

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

This post should be easy enough as I hope to do a lot in my life. For instance...I want to jump out of an airplane. It's something I have wanted to do for a long time. When my step sister did it several years back I told my Mother that I wanted to as well. My Mother made it pretty clear that I would be doing no such thing until I had my children raised. Well, that line between then and the not so far future is starting to show itself.

rossoraven

As well, I hope to one day travel to Cornwall, England...the place of my Father's Family History. There are actually people still living in Cornall with our last name, isn't that far out! Well, I think it is since I never knew any of the family history on my Father's side of the family. My grandfather was an only child and I never knew my great grandfather or grandmother. A few years back I was googling genealogy when I came upon a man with the same name as my father, all the way down to his middle initial. He wrote of questions he had about the little town I have grown up in so I sent him an email and we have been in communication with each other since. In fact he just told me the other day that he has been doing the DNA testing and can confirm our tree going back 4500 plus years. The Knights Templar has came up in his research that he has done and done very extinsively. I sort of feel like I've let him do all of the work and I just get to reap the benefits of what he has found out but hey, I GIVE HIM ALL THE CREDIT--thanks Dave!

Now on a more personal note since this is the 30 posts of truth. And it is true that I hope to do the above mentioned. But there's also something I hope to do in this life...and that is find myself again. I don't recall there being a particular moment in which I lost who I was, but it happened. I look in the mirror and see someone looking back at me that is a stranger. I'm sure age has something to do with it, but Ya know, I just don't think so. Have I matured over the years...well yes, don't we all (well most of us)? But that is not what is bugging me so much that I decided to put it out there to my fellow bloggers. While in my 20's, I spent my time raising small children. That time is done now. My children are growing up and have grown up before my eyes. I don't know where the years have went? I look at my oldest today and think--when did you grow up? She was just home today getting recipes to prepare a Thanksgiving meal for her man's family. His family is not like ours and they more than likely have not had a family meal at there home since Shane's mother passed away nine years ago. I'm proud of my daughter and the fine woman she has became, but I miss my little girl. Speaking of little girls, mine is 11 going on 20. I wouldn't change the life I've been fortunate enough to have with my children. Having been given the means to be a stay at home mom. But now, I need more. I've done my duty. My youngest is capable of coming home from school with her brother and surviving an hour or so until Mom gets home. I need to do more than keep house, cook and do the laundry...oh yeah, and homework and discipline and just being here for when they do need me.

I want to start my own business. I want to make something of myself for myself...but, I'm afraid of failing. I've been called a failure before, many times actually and I have finally let it beat me down enough that I believe it. I don't blame anyone for feeling the way that I do, because the truth is this. No one can make me feel anything I do not let them...and that is the gal I need to get back to. The one that would not have allowed to feel the hurt and pain that I have let in me for so many years now. I take responsibility for my feelings,even the ones I don't like. I only wish there was a book to help guide me right now because I need help. I need to find me... and that is the Truth of what I hope to do...find me.

30 Days of Truth...Day 4

2010-11-18T12:30:00.000-06:00

mjmeyer

Day #4---of 30 Days of Truth:

Can I just say that I completed this day while totally skipping over it? I'm not one to just throw it out on the table. Yes, there are people in my life that I need to forgive...even if only for myself ( but I have a problem.)

I say this because at this stage in my life I do have a lot of built up resentments toward some people. I don't want to have. I want to say, "there not worth my time and energy." But saying is always easier than doing.

I can say that I forgive with my mouth and try to accomidate it in my head, but my heart doesn't buy it. Saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong" is not a problem for me. In fact, if I know that I have hurt someone either intentionally or unintentionally and it is brought to my attention, I apologize. That's how I was raised, to do what is right...even if it means putting aside my ego in the process. "I'm sorry" are two word, but very strong words when said from the heart.

Honestly, I can't help the way I feel about a few things in my life even if....it is what it is, as I would say. However, I'm not ready to forgive because in all honesty, it's MY problem, not theirs.

They don't need or want my forgiveness because what they have done and still do does not directly effect me, even if it does. MY problem, not theirs... so forgiving is a mute point. I want and am trying desperately to find that place in me that doesn't care. I just hope and pray that in the process, I don't lose anymore of me...the small part that is left.

Forgive and Forget--isn't that what they say. Well, I can't and that's My OWN...I OWN IT and I ADMIT IT FREELY! I'm not perfect as the world is not perfect but peace of mind and doing what is RIGHT is what I try to do so that I need not be forgiven for what I didn't or don't do.

So that's it in a nut shell...I forgive me for not forgiving them. Hey, maybe I should have wrote that for Day #3.

Just being Honest--Angie (Onreeone)

Daydream

2010-11-17T21:09:00.000-06:00

This photo challenge is Daydream.... I really couldn't think of a better spot to just sit, Be, and take in the beautiful flowers. Surrounding this bench and tucked away deep inside its blooms magical things happen. It was the perfect place to sit and daydream, if only for a moment.

Enjoy!

You can find this challenge by clicking on the link below. Thanks for stopping by~ Onreeone (Angie)

Macro Monday just about got away...

2010-11-16T01:02:00.000-06:00

Macro Monday just about got passed me and it's one of my favorite memes of the week.

Today, I bring to you an Asian Beetle--no he is not a ladybug but the resemblence is uncanny. With the weather being so warm (for November) these little buggers have decided to come back for one last round. They are invasive and annoying, but make for great meme shots. I have already brought in the plants from outside that I am going to TRY to keep alive through winter. So here's a lil guy on a leaf...

he is a lil cutie though. Have A Super Duper week everyone. Only a few more sleeps until we get to stuff ourselves with food and not call it glunty...LOL~

For some more great macro shots take a gander here....Lisa's Chaos- Macro Monday

Angie (Onreeone)

Old Barns #3

2010-11-16T00:07:00.000-06:00

I love the meme all about old barns. I've been fascinated by them since I was a wee young'en. This picture was taken somewhere between Joliet, Illinois and my home. I can't give you the exact location because once again, and like with so many other of my pictures are taken while in motion....motion of a car moving that is. Hope you enjoy. For more great old barn photos visit Old Barns at Bluff Area Daily. Thanks for stopping in.

Is There An Answer?

2010-11-15T11:58:00.000-06:00

I'm sure most people "living on planet Earth" know who the Westboro Baptist Church and their leader , Fred Phelps is. First and foremost, to call themselves or how they call themselves a church is beyond my comprehension, but they do. Why--well, because they can.

Here in Central Illinois were not new to there kind. In 2005, Gary Harper Jr. was taken from this life while serving his country. Today, the body of Chad Young will be laid to rest. Personally, I did not know either one of these heroes but find it disheartening that such evil exists like this group of idiots.

Disgusted and frustrated I have tried to wrap my mind around how any of these so called "believers" go about their lives demoralizing while demonstrating their First Amendment Rights. To protest at a funeral is beyond repulsive, evil criminal (in my opinion). Do none of the members of this "lunacy" have any family member who is serving or has served in our military before? How about homosexuality? Have not one of these loons EVER had someone in their family with whom they loved be gay? I highly doubt that the answer to both questions is "NO".

From my understanding...and yes, I do have quite a bit of knowledge about the bible (if that's what their good book is) however, I'm not so sure because my understanding of that book is simple. Jesus died to save us from our sins. His teachings were that of love. So to say that this "group" of people can be followers of Christ is beyond me when they have so much hate in their collective hearts. Do they really see themselves as Christians? I'd like to know what doctrine they stand on to preach such things as hate for your fellow man. Whether he be right or wrong...who are they to judge?

As well--I'd like for these asshats to realize that the very foundation they stand upon to practice their "Right" was given to them by people such as Gary Harper Jr. and Chad Young along with the other thousands of men and women who payed the price with their life for your "Freedom".

Right now, I'm angry with myself for even writing this and publishing it. Why? Because, the more attention that gets paid to the "loonies" the more they think they win. I by no means am the media or have influence over people like the media does, but I'm tired of it. I know that in order for us, the people, to know about crazy people like the crazy people drinking Fred Phelps' kool-aid there must be coverage, but come on.

I have to wonder... where do these people come from that they can afford to spend time traveling around our country, and theirs too, grossly showing such disrespect? Do they have real jobs? Do they have children? And isn't there some kind of way to take those children and teach them that their Mommy and Daddy are insane? Well, I guess if they get to go around slandering and hating on America then I will use my freedom of speech to let them know that they are a bunch of lunatic ass hats that I will not spend another second of my time writing about. But remembering those soldiers who are serving and who have served. The ones who have come home and the ones who lost their lives...because they were, have been, and still are effected by war.

I come from a long line of Veterans in my family. Having just honored our brave soldiers on Veterans Day, which was also the day that U.S Army Specialist Young was brought home...our military men and women deserve nothing but our utmost respect. And though there is nothing that I can do to stop the "Haters", I can support those who sacrifice so much for us.

Scenic Sunday: Gardner, Illinois

2010-11-15T00:45:00.000-06:00

After dropping off our daughter at college we decided it best to take a more scenic route home. It seems that the whole interstate is under construction right now and with it being a 3 and 1/2 hour drive when there is none...most definitely we made the right decision. We passed a many a small town, but coming upon this one in particular I told my honey I wanted to check it out. A tiny two room (if you can really call it that) jail is what we found. The site is located on Route 66.

The sign hanging on the inside says that it was erected in 1906. From the website I learned that it was actually used into the 1950's.

Inside the little jail was a brief history by speaker. In its day it was used more for having a place for the bums to sleep it off, like on "Andy Griffith" and even a poster of Barney Fife hangs on the wall.

The pot bellied stove that once heated the place is still there though I'm not sure if it is still used. But I love it just the same. I'm a lover of all things old. In fact I have one in my yard that I grow flowers in. The back is all rusted out, but everyone seems to make a comment about it. In fact I purchased it at an auction several years ago for $1.00

This old radio I thought was pretty interesting as well so I got a picture of it too. I don't know how old it is or even if it was used in the jail at the time of operation, but still a vintage treasure.

Thank's for coming along with me on a Scenic Sunday. I'm looking forward to visiting all the rest of ya's. Wishing everyone a WONDERFUL week ahead. ENJOY!

Enjoy more Scenic Sundays by following the link.

Brightest Blessings ~ Onreeone (Angie)

A Contest But Not Really

2010-11-11T23:19:00.000-06:00

I'm a new follower of the Photo Freak...check her out will ya! She is having a contest with AMAZING prizes so I just have to enter. Since she will be pulling the winners out of a hat I am not going to use my most bestest shot I "think" I've ever got, but one that I absolutely adore of my daughters and a very good friend.

This picture was taken on the front steps of their high school. I love his shot because it shows their personalities, all three and the fact that it is a candid and straight out of the camera. The themed Prom was masquerade which is why they have their masks. I bought the green dress on clearance for $5.00 and then added all the the beading, ribbon, and sequence. The cream colored dress was actually my oldest daughters Prom dress when she went as a Freshman with her boyfriend. However, I took all of the light pink flowers off and once again added the black lace top, all the sequence and made little rosettes out of toulle and black flowers. That year I also made their flowers which you can't get a good look at, but they were pretty awesome if I do say so myself.

Hope you enjoy this picture as much as I. It is one of my favorites of the three of them from that year. The year being 2008.

Brightest Blessings to You ALL~

Onreeone

SkyWatch Fridays...

2010-11-11T21:36:00.000-06:00

I know I know...I'm getting carried away with doing all these linky's with fellow bloggers who love photography. I follow so many of them I wish that blogger would find a way for us to put folders up or separate by category. Some days I forget what day it is, but anyway. This is my first entry into Skywatch Friday even though I have visited and commented on several entries.

As you can see the sun creeping in through the clouds, this was taken as we were driving down interstate 55. My family and I were on our way home from a graduation party and drove through one Crazy Storm. This is my favorite of the group I think mainly because it was captured with the tree's and the old house top can be seen as well. A few more I'm adding were taken during this same time period while my husband was driving...and No, he didn't slow down.


you can kind of see the reflection of the glass in the car window- but I still love this.


this is also another favorite of mine- the sky was so beautiful


still another- I could not get enough pictures of this sky


I always get a special feeling inside me when the ray's shine through the dark clouds. Truly magical!


and then there was the rainbow.....taken through my husbands window so water droplets can be seen as well.

Thanks All who stop in to see...please leave me a comment so I know you were here. Happy Friday Everyone~ Onreeone

30 Posts of Truth...Day 3

2010-11-11T00:02:00.000-06:00

Today--16yrs. Jr. in H.S.

Easter 1995 14mths.

Something you have to forgive yourself for is day number three of the Karma Project. I've thought long and hard about this one. Racked my brain for hours trying to find something about me that I haven't forgiven myself for. To tell the truth, maybe this sounds crazy, but I honestly cannot come up with anything. That's not saying that I have not done some things in my life that were less than desirable, but still holding onto those things,. carrying them around with me would be luggage that I don't need. People make mistakes, and not forgiving myself for those mistakes would have kept me locked in bondage. Enslaved to the feelings of guilt over things that are of the past.

Christmas 1995 22mths.

I do however wish that the relationship I have with my oldest son was better. But then again, I've never been a 16 year old boy. I know what my brother put my mother through and I can honestly say the situations I get into now with him are similar to that of my mother and brother. Where my mother gave in, I don't. But I forgave myself a long time ago for not always doing the "right " thing when it came to rearing him. I did my best and continue daily to strive to have a better relationship with him. I have forgiven myself for my own immature stupidity when he was younger. I was younger too. It is a daily battle with him and I. He doesn't like the fact that I mother him, but that is my job and when he grows up and has children of his own, I can only hope and pray that the lessons he has been taught he will remember. I was told by his kindergarten teacher that he was going to make a great adult, but that adults would have a problem with him as a child, pre teen and teenager. I guess I should have known then that this road was going to be a rough and bumpy ride .

Zach 3yrs Austin 6mths

Just today there was an incident on the bus...one that Zach could have easily avoided if only he knew how to keep his trap shut or speak with respect. However, he cannot, or better yet...will not, therefore he will get to spend his lunch hour with Mr. Horn, the principal. He didn't get in trouble because of the bus incident, but the way he spoke to the man of authority. Zachary has a real hard time with authority and it would so be much easier if I threw my hands up and gave into him, but that is not an option as there are still two other children following suit. So for now, he will just have to not like me and fight me every step of the way. I WILL WIN~~~or I will die trying. But I know in the future I won't have to forgive myself for giving up.


8th Grade Promotion	13yrs

Thanks for stopping in...leave a comment if ya will and have a Happy Veterans Day~

Onreeone~

Sophomore Year 15

Watery Wednesday 11/9/10

2010-11-10T02:17:00.000-06:00

It took forever to get this one just the way I wanted it. Watery Wednesday always seems to be the biggest challenge for me and I honestly don't know why. Hopefully though, participating in these awesome ventures I will be able to improve on the water shots. Here's my entrance for this week...

The story behind this picture is funny now, but when I took it, I wasn't laughing. Ya see, my daughter was Miss Virden and being such we participating in a lot of parades. This particular parade was for Irish Days over in Farmersville. The skies were not looking so hot when we pulled up in the convertible that we borrowed from a local dealership, but the parade was to go on. As the clouds rolled in and the lurking darkness started to take shape about a quarter of a mile into it a few dribbles started falling. Within a 30 second period of time, a torrential downpour came upon us. Being in one of the cars that I had not driven in past parades getting the top up was a little more difficult and a lot slower than previous cars. When I finally got the top up we were soaked, and then I noticed that the top had not went all the way down into the trunk so once again I had to put the top partially down until all was well with the trunk.

This poor tractor that you can hardly see was also in the parade and well, he wasn't so lucky as to get out of it. So I got out the camera and started taking pictures of the people and other participants trying to find shelter anywhere possible.

I do now love this shot and it is one that is in my daughters scrap book of her year as being Miss Virden.

Really, its' never a dull moment in my life.

Thanks for stopping by- and Happy Hump Day.

Onreeone--Angie

30 Days of Truth...Day 2

2010-11-08T22:56:00.000-06:00

Well since this day is almost done, I guess I should get started on the 2nd day of 30th Days Of Truth. I have time now to sit and write out what I have been thinking about all day. In actuality, I've been obsessing today over this post. I don't know why--ok, yes I do. Your can find The Karma Project by clicking the link. I'm not sure where it originated, but I promised myself yesterday when I started it that I was going to finish it. Yeah, I'm not one to finish some things I start and that is not something that I like so I guess I'm going in the wrong direction so far. Okay, Okay, I've drug this on long enough without really getting to the point and what the topic is for Day 2. SOMETHING THAT YOU LOVE ABOUT YOURSELF. Geeez louise, why is it so hard for me to write down something that I love, when I could go on and on about things I don't like.

However, like I said, I've been obsessing over this all day long trying to materialize something that I love about myself. Then that little voice inside of me said, "look what your doing now, you take for granted that you can create beautiful spaces, and beautiful things." I really had never thought about it much I suppose something so small and menial to me is something that others lack...its called creativity. Several of my friends call on me for assistance when it comes to picking out paint colors, fabric schemes, home decor items and the like. One of my best of friends will be out shopping and sending me pictures of stuff for me to pick out which item she should purchase. In fact, just a few weeks ago she called me over to help her hang some stuff in her kitchen area. Before I left that day we had went paint shopping and painted one wall a deep red to go with her yellow and light blue kitchen. It looks so much better and more finished now. So I guess I can say that I love that I am a creative being. I have a gift that has been flourishing in me since I was a young girl.

My Aunt and cousin owned a craft shop up until a few years ago and I would help them make ribbons and lamp shades, cutting and sewing, hot gluing, and making floral arrangements when I was probably around 13. I would go into the shop after school and sometimes rearrange items they had on display because that's just what I did. When I cleaned other people's homes it was very hard for me not to rearrange their "stuff" so that it flowed and was more attractive to the eye. And in some cases the people I cleaned for told me to feel free to move anything I wanted. So in reality not only did they get an excellent house keeper, but essentially a free stager.

I love to make home made gifts for people and usually every Christmas I at least make an ornament for each of my family and friends trees. I enjoy the time I spend working on items for others to enjoy. When my husband and I got married I made all of our wedding decor...from the flowers to the ring bearer pillow. If I can make it, I don't usually buy it completed. I want to do it myself.

So today when this love arose out of me I was making a swag for my door. I had a few fall flowers left over from some table top arrangements I had made for others and just threw it together. This is how it turned out. Pretty good for using leftovers and best of all, it was free!

So I love that I am a creative being that can just throw things like this together and be satisfied with the work I've done.

Now, that love wasn't very deep I don't think so I'm going to tell ya something else that I love about myself which is this.....I can step my feet into someone elses' shoes and empathize with them. Even if I have never been in a situation like whatever the situation is, I always try to understand and know where that person is coming from based on their circumstances, and I do indeed love that about myself. It has saved me a lot of heartache in my personal life and a fine quality to have.

So now that I feel odd about writing this post telling you lovely readers what I love about myself, I would like to hear the same from you. What do you love about yourself?

With Love--Onreeone (Angie)

Macro Monday

2010-11-08T18:18:00.000-06:00

Today I bring to you for Macro Monday some of the shots I took last Spring in and around my home. With the leaves and flowers starting to disappear for a time I thought maybe ya'll would like to look at some of my favorite flowers in the springtime. So here ya go....................a few of my favorites from Spring 2010~

I love the way the sun is bouncing off the top two pin cushions here in this one. I had just planted the little guy when this was taken.

I love these little white flowers and the foliage on this is crimson like the stems.

As you can see a spider had been busy building a web for me in this one.

One of my butterfly bushes that took off like wild this year. Love love love.


The orange, red and gold of this flower always makes me happy.

So there ya have it folks a few of my favorites from Spring 2010....and there all straight out of the camera. No cropping and or editing has been done to these photos as I thought they looked perfect the way they came out. Hope you enjoyed them and will leave me a comment. I love comments!

Thanks For Stopping By My Little Blog--Have A Great Week All you fellow Macro Meme Bloggers.

Onreeone- (Angie)

Scenic Sunday

2010-11-07T23:16:00.000-06:00

My love of photography only grows more deep with every click of the camera. Taking photos is a way for me to express how I see the world through my lens. Today for Scenic Sunday I am entering a photo that I just took recently. While out and about one evening I pulled into a friends driveway just on the outskirts of town and this is what I captured here in Central Illinois.

a beautiful sunset always makes me smile. Thanks for stopping by. Leave a comment if ya want. I love comments.

Onreeone (Angie)

30 Days of Truth...Day 1 and weekend happenings~

2010-11-07T22:09:00.000-06:00

Lake Springfield

Wow- what a weekend its been! Thankfully the weather has held up or I would have been froze yesterday morning when we headed out to do the food service for an auction. Yes, another Sports Boosters function...but this one I didn't mind. The house and wares that were being auctioned off yesterday belonged to a very special family. When I was a kid, their grand-daughter and I were best friends and I spent many a day out at that old farm. The old place has magic in it as it sits up top a hill with the road not far away, but out of sight. There was a good turnout as far as auctions go. It seems that in this day and age people would rather bid online than in person. Items that would bring some good money go for pennies on the dollar.

I had to leave the auction early as our youngest boy had a basketball tournament in New Berlin. The coach told us at the parent meeting that the rule requirements this year was going to be 15 boys and that if more than that went out there would have to be cuts. However, there are 18 boys on the team...but always someone is ineligible because of grades. We won our first game and lost the second to a team who actually recruits kids so I don't think we did all that bad considering this is the first year that some of these boys have played together and that they only lost by 3 baskets. Austin is really good at getting the foul when he drives it in. Sometimes I watch him play in amazement because I was never the athletic type. But his Dad is and my brother was really good at sports too. The eligibility aspect of middle school is GREAT, and I mean that with all sincerity. Flunk one class and your ineligible until you get it up. If you are ineligible three times, you are off the team. I wish the High School had the same policy. Maybe I wouldn't have such a hard time getting my son who is a Junior to do the work. You can flunk TWO classes and still be eligible to play. I think it's a bunch of crap, but what do I know.

I love this bush- I don't know what it is though.

Well, I know that I play hell trying to get Zach to do the work. He goes to CACC in the afternoon's so technically he only has four class periods with one of those being PE. So in reality he has three classes and can flunk two of them. It has been a battle with him the whole way through. Hopefully he will get to graduate next year. I feel like I have been fighting a losing battle with him since he started elementary school. It's not that he doesn't get it...he just doesn't care. I've all but given up on fighting with him over his grades. He doesn't have a drivers license because of it and if that's fine with him, then I have to be fine with it...well not really, but I can't make him, he has to want it.

Anyway- as I wrote in a previous post about the Picnic, we had our end of the year meeting Friday night and Yes, for now, I am still the President. But I told them that I WAS NOT doing the ad book and that if I was staying on, that everyone would be held accountable this year for their responsibilities. Not having Gina and Andy is really going to be a challenge, but I think it will be okay if everyone does what they say they will do and we can all work together. If not, I will walk away with no guilt....hahaha, yeah right...but it sound's good.

But anyway, this morning as I was reading the blogs I stalk, one of the women that I follow and read religiously had posted a 30 day project post. I follow both Moontides and Mother Moon and find these fine women to be inspirational to me and full of wisdom that this 35 year young mother of 5 needs. The challenge can be found at The Karma Project. Today's topic for Day 1 is Something That You Hate About Yourself.

and the leaves are falling

So while like Mary at Moontides I feel hate to be a very strong word. In fact, it is a word that I rarely use, there are several things that to be honest, I do not like about myself very much. And like Mary, I feel this is a way that maybe some of my readers may get to know me a little bit better by participating in such a project.

One thing I will confess that I do not like about myself is the lack of independence in my life. I have never been an independent woman. I went from my parents home where they took care and provided for me all the necessities of life right into a failed marriage straight into the relationship I have been in for the past 15 years. To say that I have ever had to take care of myself financially would be a lie, because I never have. Now, when my first husband and I were together I worked and I worked a lot, but I was not independent in my thoughts as I was nothing but a place for him to take out his low self esteem issues on to make himself feel better about his lack of character. And guess what, I believed him. I believed I couldn't do it on my own, that I was nothing, that I was a failure at everything I had ever done. When I left that marriage I was going to become that independent woman that could take care of herself in every way.

Well, fate has a way of changing plans and my plans were surely changed when I met my husband. I was at a a cross road in my life when we met. It was totally not a planned affair and was not what I was looking for when it happened. I was going to go to school, get an apartment, and become that woman (at 20) that my ex told me that I would never be. I wanted to travel and see the world. My mother always called me a gypsy as I could never stay in one place for very long and well....my world was going to revolve around me and my wants. I was going to be independent.

Now please, don't get me wrong. I would not trade the life I have had for the one that I was after, but...there is always that but. I still have yet to find my independent self. When I met my husband he already had three littles that he was looking out for. He was getting financial assistance through the gov't but when he finally got his discharge he applied for a position working where he still is today. He would do side jobs to make extra money at the time. I was still working, but didn't really see a need in paying someone to watch the children so I quit working and became the built in babysitter. Yeah, that's what I called myself, I'm not ashamed to admit it. So there went Angie's Independence once more.

The next thing I knew I was pregnant. No, it was not planned. I had not been on any form of birth control for years and never conceived. Guess it wasn't me after all. Finding out I was going to have a baby really freaked me out. I was okay with taking care of his littles, but to take care of them and a new baby...well, lets just say if I believed in abortion I would have ran to the clinic. I didn't even know at the time if I wanted to be there. But the longer I was there the more comfortable I became and the more in love with not only him but with his babies. They were so small when we met and had already been through enough. It was not easy by no means those first years of our relationship and marriage. But I decided that after Austin was born, and checking on daycare prices versus what my paycheck would be that we actually would be paying more than I would make a week for someone else to watch the children. Then a few years after Austin was born we decided that we would have one more. I was ready for another baby and this time it was planned. However, as fate would have it, that pregnancy would end in a miscarriage. Then it was on. There's always something about not getting what I want that makes me work harder for it. So, after it was okay to start trying again, I was pregnant again. I totally enjoyed my pregnancy with Emily. All but Austin was in school by then and I had time to enjoy it.

I went back to school and got my associates. I actually have a degree in paralegal studies that I have never used. (Also something I don't like). But now, I don't think that fits my personality anymore. I've been a SAHM who has had the privilege of getting to watch my babies grow up and indeed they have. My babies will always be my babies no matter how old they get. I have worked outside of the home since the children have all been in school, but something always seems to happen and I end up either quitting or getting fired. Yeah, my last job I truly loved. Of course my house was a mess all the time, but I felt like I was contributing not only in mommy duty but also helping to financially support my family which also made the hubs happy.

He's always so indecisive when it comes to me staying at home and taking care of everything here or me going to work and him also being partially responsible for house and kids. He likes coming home to a clean house with supper made, kids taken care of so that he can go on with his other stuff, but at the same time, he would like the money. Well, me too. But I can't do it all as I have tried to in the past and well, my sanity hangs by a string most of the time and its just toooooo much. However, my thinking in my marriage is very independent and well, we argue a lot about stuff and some stuff we just have to agree to disagree, but still, I love it when I walk away from an argument with him that I have expressed myself very clearly and independently. I will not nor will ever think like anyone other than myself. I have learned that, or maybe its the fact that I am getting older.
There are still things I want to do and someday when the time is right, I will. Independence is something that I have taught my children, especially my older girls that are now living independently. Times have changed and most mothers I know work full time out of the home. I feel less of a woman because I don't. But someday, and I hope within the next few years I will have a grandbaby to spoil and take care of while my daughter goes to work--and it will be free. I'm still afraid I will never be financially independent for myself, but I guess time will tell and I will work on liking who I am more not being an independent woman in all ways...

Tomorrow' Blog--What I LOVE about myself~

Thanks Mary and Janie for the inspiration--Onreeone ( Angie)

Old Barns # 2

2010-11-02T02:02:00.000-05:00

Hello All you fellow barn lovers and thank you Bluff Area Daily...for hosting this series. Old Barns have always been a passion of mine so this is very exciting to me. So, without further ado--here is my Old Barn of the day.

This picture was taken right on the outskirts of our little town. The barn has obviously seen better days, but none the less there is something magical about it. I also thought the old silo to the right of the barn was gorgeous as well. Hope you've all had a great day. Bless You and Yours!

Angie aka Onreeone

onreeones@yahoo.com

Please stop over for a spell and tell me what ya think. I LOVE COMMENTS~

Happy Samhain One and ALL

2010-11-01T00:12:00.000-05:00

What a Wonderful Day it's been...and Happy Samhain to everyone. Today was the day that those of us who participated in the Samhain Swap got to open our goodies. I received mine several weeks ago and you all have no idea how hard it was for me to not take a sneak peek. But I didn't- my swap partner was Leathra over a Confessions of A Crafty Witch . I was super duper excited as the box was very heavy and marked fragile. I took pictures of all my wonderful goodies. She took a lot of time putting together this box for me. All wrapped in paper with a sticker to seal the items nice and pretty.

I totally love everything that I received. The handmade Talisman is amazing. I love it--thank you Leathra

Then there is the mulling spices she included with instructions on a note card .The picture here doesn't do justice to the beautiful handpainted artwork she took the time to make.

Another treasure that I love love love is a pair of mittens that fit perfectly

Up next is a hand painted pumpkin. She knows my favorite color is purple so she made sure lots of purple were in my treasures.

THANK YOU Leathra for all the wonderful gifts. I love each and every one of them and they will look great on my altar.

HAPPY SAMHAIN to you

An Ugly Place

2010-10-27T00:01:00.000-05:00

So I'm in one of those places right now that I don't like. I can't help it..it just is what it is. I haven't been writing and posting because everything I write about it shit and blah blah blah- woe is me crap that I can't stomach to read. I have like 5 posts sitting out there waiting for me- I will end up deleting them all or maybe just read them to myself. I just wish that life would get back on track and that my path would take up in a more positive direction. Giving in is not an option for me, I know this. However knowing something and doing something about it are always two very different things.

I want to be strong! I want to be that person that so many people think I am. I want to be that bitch who doesn't care about what people think. For every step I take forward I feel as if I'm pushed back two and I'm just freaking tired. Tired of Drama- Tired of Bullshit people who judge and talk behind my back. Tired of being told the shit that people say and then asked NOT TO SAY ANYTHING--like I"m a freaking doormat. That's it...I"M A DOORMAT that screams use me use me...let me wipe my dirty effing feet off on you and then smile and be nice and friendly.

If I haven't said it before...I hate phony people, I hate being used, I hate being lied to, I hate being jealous of anyone, I hate hating. It is a negative and nasty emotion that nothing positive comes from. I would not allow my children to use that word. Hate is such a strong word with such a fine line inbetween. The distance between love and hate is minute in my book. I have to love or feeling strongly about something to be able to hate it as well on the other side. I just don't want to care.

Living in a small town and being involved in so many things like we are puts us in firing range for those haters who don't do anything but like to bitch, moan, groan and complain about the way things are being done.

I had my first taste of it back in July when we had the Picnic. Now, it's November and I have to make a decision. Do I stay or do I go? The problem is this...I don't necessarily want to go, but I don't want to stay either if it's going to be like is has been the past few years. See, a few years ago, I wasn't given a choice. The President of our organization rang my door bell one evening with everything he had and said he was done. Being the Vice President that meant I was then in charge. I've done my best and I guess my best just isn't good enough. I don't deserve to be treated like I was last year and the person that has been with me all along--well actually she was on the Picnic committee before I was - has officially resigned all of her responsibility. I've known for some time that she wanted out, but I didn't really think she would do it. Well, guess I was wrong. That leaves me as the last member of the organization I joined six years ago. I don't want to see the picnic go away. But honestly, the money it makes isn't really worth my headaches and heartaches. So--we will see. However, I am taking everything I have to the meeting to pass on, because I WILL NOT be the president for next years picnic. I need to focus more on my family and one organization at a time. With that being said......

With school consolidation came consolidating the Booster program for the school. I will just say that I had been burned by the old program from our old school and I wanted nothing to do with it. In fact, I have done as little as possible. Here comes the guilt associated with not being there. My husband is the President of this new organization and he has been busting his ass to make it successful. But like always there are those people that I talked about up there in the first part of this post that are nothing but shit stirrers. He has put everything he has into trying to grow the organization with little help from any new people. The same old faces always there to stab ya in the back for personal gain--cause they all have their own agenda (namely their child and or children) We are not about our own children- we are about everyone's children and making this program something that future generations will want to pick up the reigns and be involved in. So...whether I like it or not...he now has my full support, because that is what I have to do.

Lastly-- we had our daughter home from college with a few of her friends last weekend. It was fall break and I picked her up from the train station the Sunday before. Then last Wednesday we picked up another from the train. On Friday two more drove down and then they all went back together on Sunday. Needless to say, I could write a whole blog on that experience, but I'm not going to. She left Sunday afternoon knowing we were disappointed in her. I sat last night and wrote her a long letter. Letters are good I've found with her because she can't talk back or argue with me. I must say though that some good did come from that letter. I hadn't talked to her since writing it and didn't know what kind of reception I was going to be given, but tonight I called her and asked her if she read it. Her response was "Yes Mom, I just don't know how to respond...but thank you." Yep....thank you is what she said. I know my baby girl is growing up and has to make her own choices. Making mistakes is part of life. She, since reading and rereading , has made some positive changes in her life and I can only hope for more to come. She sounded happy this evening and I could sense a difference in her tone. I pray it stays that way and that she follows through with her life's ambitions. She indeed needs to be happy with herself and needs to do what she needs to do for herself right now. I will support her always cause Mama does have her back. I felt proud when I hung up the phone. So maybe that little glimmer of light is starting to shine once more my way.

I hate depression and have been battling it for as long as I can remember. My good days are great, but my bad days take the wind outta my sails quick. When my mind is not right, I am not right. I'm still trying to find that happy medium---and I will someday. Never give in or give up~ even when it seems like the walls are caving in. I still got some fight left in me--I have too.

Onreeone~

Watery Wednesday Post 10/19/2010

2010-10-20T00:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Old Barns and today is Watery Wednesday...I'm just having too much fun with this! Without further ado--


Cox Arboretum- Dayton, Ohio

It truly is so terribly hard to only post one on here, but I will save them for the weeks to come.

Thanks For Stopping by-- Onreeone

Macro Monday

2010-10-19T23:06:00.000-05:00

So I found this really fun site last night. I started following the hostess and have pretty much stalked her blog all evening. An inspiration is Lisa--over at Lisa's Chaos

Here's a little something something--not my best, but it will do...and she's Purple, who doesn't love purple? Don't answer that---

Thanks for stopping by~ Onreeone

Here is another that is even closer--

Tuesday Blog Hops

2010-10-19T02:28:00.000-05:00

It's Tuesday and that mean's its time to do some hopping and checking out new blogs. I can always find at least a half dozen or more that tickles my fancy. Come on and join in--its FUN!

~HAPPY TUESDAY HOPPING MY BLOG FRIENDS~

~Onreeone~

Old Barns

2010-10-19T01:24:00.000-05:00

Old Barns

While blog hopping I stumbled upon a blog that is right up my alley. The theme is Old Barns. In fact, this blogger has several different areas of interest, but tonight I'm posting my picture of the barn that I had on my blogger banner for a while. Hope everyone enjoys it as much as I will enjoy visiting all your Barn Blogs.


One of my favorite old barns in the area

I love this barn for all its uniqueness and for being old, it is in beautiful condition. I am posting a few pictures taken from the inside as well. Hope you enjoy! Please leave me your comments on what you think about these photos. I love feedback...

There is just something about this photo. The area is located right inside the barn doors. I think I know some of the kids' names that have been carved in here.

i love the little hole with the light peeking in this picture. The old harness and other barn related items are perfect picture taking material for me.

There is nothing about this picture that I do not love. The old barn siding, the window with the blue sky reflecting in it, the ivy growing up the side and the old rock foundation...takes my breath away!

One of my friends asked me if this is the footloose barn? I guess it could be but again, I loved how the light was peeping through the holes and crevices in the old walls.

Thank you for taking a peek into my first series of Old Barns. I really am happy I found this blog, as I have a whole file folder full of my barn photos from all over the place.

Happy Blogging- Onreeone (Angie)
One Day At A Time...

PSC Champs 2010

2010-10-18T15:45:00.000-05:00

Congratulations Guys!

It was an awesome weekend here in the heart of Illinois. Our football team won in our conference- now we are the PSC champs! What a great feeling everyone had Friday night after that game! The fire engines met the buses on the edge of town to bring the team in. Cars were parked on both sides of the street as the buses passed honking horns and flashing lights. Oh WHAT FUN! I might add though that this game was ugly and brutal. The score was 14 to 14 with 2 minutes left on the clock. I'm so glad I have xanax cause that was one of those games that could go either way and I so hate that anxious feeling I get when its too close for comfort. But the boys did it! They pulled it outta their arses with seconds left on the clock. Cordell went in for the winning touchdown . It was a pass play which is always my favorite cause I can actually see where the ball is and where it is supposed to be going. The State Journal Register got an amazing picture of it but wont let me save it to my computer- damn selfish bastards, they want me to buy it. Whatever- if you wanna see it just go to Winning Touchdown- .

high fiving their fans all the way around the fence.

Fire Engines and Cars honking horns

After the game coach gave a great speech. He has done magic with these boys this year. I'm so glad that we went out to look for a new football coach when our schools consolidated. There was so much BS going on with the new district that with this guy, he came in fresh and new with no pre conceived notions. So many haters said some nasty things about putting 2 losing teams together to get a winning team. Well now, the haters can suck it... cause WE R WINNERS!

Football helmets and Cordells head--this pic cracks me up everytime!

Coach Lorton after the Game telling how proud he is!

It also doesn't hurt that he's a hottie---all us married ladies really like him, and the unmarried ladies too. I think there may be some man crushes out there too...he's just that good! Really though, from far away he is much better looking than close up, even though close up he aint too bad either. I think it's his personality personally. He is a true leader and motivationalist (is that a word)? Oh well if its not. He has done an amazing job with my son giving him the kind of determination and motivation that he lacks. Zach has the potential to be an awesome football player but can't seem to keep himself outta trouble long enough to get any good playing time. If it was any another coach I'm sure by now Zach would be off the team. But not with Coach Lorton. Mark and I have had a meeting with Zach and the coach, after that meeting I thought if anyone could get Zach on the right path it would be him. He respects Coach Lorton and he should with all the chances he has given Zach. He truly cares for my son which means more to me than anything!

It has been a long time since either team had been to the playoffs. The early 90's were successful when I was in school. We went to play off's for several years then. Coach Borgini was an amazing coach too. Oh, and he was also a hottie that all the girls, including myself loved. I loved PE and Drivers Ed since he taught both classes. However, he moved on several years back and went to Carlinville and then onto his hometown of Gillespie (they suck).

The season is about over with one home game left to play. North Mac Panthers take on Pleasant Plains this Friday night under the Friday night lights of the football field on our turf. We have a JV game this evening that I'm looking forward to. I freaking love football, it by far is my favoritest sport.

Zach and his Mama--sporting his Daddy's HS #...

Hope everyone had a Great weekend like I did. Saturday night we went to the lake for a fire. I don't care where I have to go this time of year for a fire, I'mma gonna go there cause this is my most favoritest time of the year. I so look forward to the weekends now so we can sit around the fire, laugh, talk, and get crazy with our friends.

CONGRATULATIONS NORTH MAC PANTERS~2010 PSC CHAMPS!!!!!!

A Most Happy- Onreeone

2010-10-17T21:43:00.000-05:00

Please join in the fun as we hop from blog to blog. I've found a few that I really think I'm going to like.

Hope everyone has had a great weekend!

Onreeone (Angie)

Self Portrait Challenge

2010-10-12T23:33:00.000-05:00

I entered a photo before thinking I was going to actually have to blog about it and put my own self portrait on my blog. But okay- since I play fair here goes:

Show:

Tell: Here is a picture of me, but I picked this one because I love this hat! It was a themed Lia Sophia Party I was hosting and everyone had to sport a hat of some sort. My grandmother fancied hats and I now have her collection. I'm a hat lover--so look at the hat~

SIMPLICITY Photo Challenge

2010-10-12T22:29:00.000-05:00

I found a new blog--with photo challenges. What fun! I'm always up for a challenge. Todays is LIGHT which can be interpreted in many different ways. I took this picture back in September when there was a Harvest Moon. So LUNA LIT UP is my entry for this challenge. Grab the button and join along~

Growing Pains

2010-10-12T13:22:00.000-05:00

When I was growing up I always wanted an older sister. Someone to share clothes with and shoes, secrets and all that. I watched my cousins Kris and Dawn grow up, they were pretty close in age and Linda and Robin and Missy and Amy. I had a little brother who didn't bother me except for when he did. I had cousins that groomed me and taught me how to put make up on and smoke cigarettes. Now though I'm kind of glad that I didn't have a sister but at the same time wonder if it would be easier on me as a Mom if I had.

Why do I bring this up? Well, the past few years had been rough at home with my two oldest girls. They are only a year and a week apart in age and very competitive naturally. They constantly fought about everything under the sun. Both of them screaming at each other...because we know that screaming is the best form of communication- NOT. I would discuss the situation with the two of them when it became unbearable to listen to anymore. A few times I made them sit at the dining room table and look at each other, like I did when they were little. Inevitably though I would try to let them work their problems out on there own with some guidance along the way.

Stephanie moved out to live with her boyfriend and his dad a few weeks after Easter this year so she had been out of the house a few months before we moved Kacie to college. In those months when the girls were together there would be snide comments, attitude and sometimes downright ugliness. I really have a hard time admitting this, but from my observances the ugly came mostly from Stephanie- the older sister. She would knit pick at Kacie over everything from her room, to her clothes, to her character. and Believe you me some of what she would say had some truth to it. However, it was not nor is it Stephanie's place to tell Kacie what she should or shouldn't be doing. What she should and shouldn't be wearing or how she should act.

Can you say resentment? Kacie has resented Stephanie and her uppity I'm better than you mentality for quite some time now. Though I will give Kacie props for blowing it off most of the time, but it bothers Kacie. We can go back to simple things like borrowing a shirt. To Stephanie it was fine to get into Kacie's clothes without asking permission, but not the other way around. She would get soooo pissed off if she came home and Kacie was wearing something that belonged to her. Hell, I remember the night Stephanie moved out they were upstairs arguing over a freaking shirt which had been given to them. You would have thought that shirt was made of gold the way those two were fighting over it. Steph won and the shirt was hers. I can't count how many times Kacie, being angry with me about something or other would say, "I'm not Stephanie, and I don't want to be."

Now that they both are not living at home, I thought it would get easier on them and myself. However, it seems that the only thing different is that now instead of all the fighting, they just don't speak to each other, and when they do, its sarcasmn central. I'm finding that hard to deal with. Why does someone have to be right or wrong? Why can they not understand and see that not everyone is alike. What is okay for one may not be okay for the other. But that doesn't necessarily mean that either one is right or wrong?

My girls have always been like night and day. Polar opposites of each other. Stephanie has always been mature beyond her years and Kacie, well...not so much. Stephanie is serious and Kacie fun loving. They both have been raised with the same rules and expectations. There has been a lot more heartache and disappointment with the rearing of Kacie, but it is what it is. I love both of my girls for who they are. Stephanie can't change Kacie no more than Kacie can change Stephanie.

Since going off to college Kacie has been home twice. The first time was for less than 48 hours but she wanted to be here for homecoming and well, I think she was getting a little homesick. It was a very nice visit. Of course Kacie doesn't pick up after herself and leaves a trail like a two year old wherever she goes. But being that she was only here for a short time, I didn't want to spend my energy getting on her about the same stuff I've always had to get on her about. I have to pick my battles. But that Saturday night I was not feeling well so I went to bed early. Only to find out the next morning that the girls had gotten into a fight about some pictures that were on facebook. Basically Steph didn't approve and she more or less called her sister a slut. Steph ended up leaving and Kacie wanted no part of her after that. So Sunday we were all supposed to go out to eat before taking Kacie to the train and for Austin's birthday. We did go, but I could feel the tension and I didn't like it. I told Kacie that I would talk to Stephanie about it, but not then as it was not the appropriate time. So anyway fast forward to later that evening. We were home, I was helping Emily with homework and Stephanie and Shane came in. Shane actually brought it up by telling Stephanie that she was mean. Steph kindof giggled a little and I told her from my understanding of the previous nights occurrence that it was pretty mean. Then she got pissed off at me and was telling me how wrong I am for LETTING Kacie do what she does. Hold UP- I didn't let Kacie do anything I told her and I also informed her that I did indeed say something about them, but that Kacie was 18, not living at home, and pretty much if she didn't see anything wrong with them what was I supposed to do? Demand that she take them down? Then Stephanie said that she had just told Kacie what she thought...Okay I get that, but it's still not her place to TELL Kacie because the only thing she is doing is driving a bigger wedge between them unless that is what she wants to do. So in the end I did talk to Stephanie and I talked to Kacie about it further. I did not demand she do anything but I kindly asked her if she would remove the pictures. Not because I think that Kacie was intentionally trying to show off her stuff, but with the angle of the camera you could see down her shirt and really, they weren't appropriate. She obliged me and removed the photos. But like she told me...she didn't take them down because of Stephanie, she did it for me. Honestly, I don't even know if Steph has noticed that there gone because she hasn't said anything about it.

Fast forward again--three weeks later: this past weekend Kacie was home and we had a fire Saturday night. Kacie was already passed out in bed and we were discussing how she was getting to the train station the next morning. Steph piped up and said that she would take her. I thought...awesome...she is putting her best foot forward and taking a positive step with her sister. I'm not sure now that that was her only reason for taking her but I'm not going to question her motives. I guess after I came inside Stephanie told her Dad something that was less than desirable that "supposedly" Kacie had done at the football game Friday night. It was so ridiculous that I didn't believe it...but Stephanie sure did and that hurt Kacie (rightly so). Believe me, Kacie has made her fair share of bad choices and used poor judgment in the past, but it cannot continuously be thrown in her face. She made some mistakes, she paid the price, and hopefully learned something along the way. So now I wonder if that is why she took her? Not that it matters really, but if she wanted to discuss it with Kacie and let her know what was being said about her then I don't think she should have shared it with her Dad, my opinion. In fact he and I had to discuss it at length as well because of her "bad track record". Maybe I'm naieve, but I don't think so.

I truly hope that one of these days their relationship is better. I can't stand to see the two of them fighting with each other, it kills me. I love them both and do not want to be in the middle of there personality and character conflicts...because that truly is what they are. I will just keep on keeping on with both of them reminding them of how important family is and how they are never going to be a like. They are two unique and equally beautiful young women that I am very proud of. Hopefully with age, some will lighten up and some will be a bit more serious--but if not, I'm Good and I want them to be Good too!

Peace and Love- Hope and Happiness

Onreeone

Losing A Friend

2010-10-04T19:13:00.000-05:00

Dear Mikey,

Today is your birthday, your 4th birthday in the Summerland. Somewhere away from all the self hatred that led you to your slow and suffering end. As the rest of us age, you will forever be 32 and beautiful.

I'm still angry with you and don't know if that feeling will ever go away. I will never forget the last time we spoke- I know now, and knew as soon as your sister called me that you were trying to tell me something-but I just never imagined in all my life that someone as beautiful, caring, loving, and as full of life as you were would ever drink yourself to your own death. I would have done more those months leading to your end if I had truly thought it was THAT BAD. I guess I just didn't want to believe it. .

You left so many people with such sadness and grief. Could you hear your little boy at your funeral telling his mommy that he wanted his daddy? Did you see your mother, your father, your brother and sisters heartbroken and numb? Did you see all of your friends who tried to help you so many times bang their fists and shed tears as they carried you from that funeral home into that church and then to your forever place? Did you see that woman sitting in front of us who bought you bottle after bottle day after day watching you kill yourself? Did you see me? Did you hear us sob sometimes as your eulogy was read because the emotions were too much to handle? I'm so angry with you--

In the last few years, at times, I have felt there was no way to deal with all the stress and my own poor decision making places that I have put myself in. I think we all feel that way at some time or another. How many months did it actually take before you just quit caring all together? I kept your obituary on the front of the refrigerator for a couple of years. When the kids or anyone else asked me why--do you know what I told them? I told them it was a reminder of what I didn't want to be or to happen to me. So many times I could have let the alcohol control me, and I believe now looking back that it did for a spell. But having your picture hanging there on the refrigerator would always put me back in my place.

I could never be so selfish no matter what I had done that was wrong in my life. People make mistakes Michael, we are human. Your biggest mistake was not letting those people help you that loved you. Your sister sat outside that apartment door for hours trying to talk to you--your twin--the one person that knew you better than anyone. That Jennifer didn't care about you--how could she? Did you get angry with her until she would run down to the station to get you another bottle of vodka? I will never know, but for that I am eternally grateful. You know, I blamed her for the longest time...and Sarah, your wife. But my anger and blame were put on the wrong people Michael because indeed now, I blame you and only you.

You had everything going for you. A beautiful wife, two beautiful children, a supportive family that was always there for you. A great job that most people would give an arm or a leg for, a beautiful home, new cars and the like...but none of that mattered when it came right down to it. To tell me you did unspeakable things? Did you commit murder, or rape, or torture someone? No- you made a mistake. Yes, a big mistake...but life should have went on.

The day you called your Dad and told him that you were really sick it was too late. But he came and he took you to the hospital. The damage had been done Mikey. You had succeeded in slowly killing every organ in your body. I hate to remember the day that I came to say my goodbyes. You squeezed my hand but could not do anything else. I know in my heart that you know how much you always meant to me. You were my best friend for a very long time. We shared everything with each other that we couldn't with the rest of the world. I always knew that you would never blab or be like all the other boys. I still have the pictures of you dancing to Michael Jackson at one of my birthday parties...what were we 8 maybe? Or sitting by each other on the bus way back in kindergarten. Or that night that my mom brought me to your house while your parents were away. Do you think she would have brought me if she knew the plan was to take your virginity that night? Dancing at Crystal's wedding reception, like it was old times though we had grown up and moved on into our adult lives.

This year as well as the last, I did not attend your benefit. I sent the money for the scholarship fund but I no longer could dance and get stupid drunk at a benefit for someone who had died because of alcohol and I will never attend another. It is nice seeing old faces and catching up, but I can do that anytime. It doesn't have to be on or around March 31st when you took your last breath.

Michael- you will forever be in my heart. I am very grateful for all of the memories we made during your 32 years. It makes me sad that now the only memories I make are when I go to the cemetery to place stuff on your grave or just to cuss you out and cry. I'm still angry--but I hope one day that I am not. Happy 36th Birthday Mikey--I pray that peace has found you.

Love Always, Angie

Mikey and the girls

Why?

2010-10-01T10:48:00.000-05:00

This morning was like any other. Get up, make coffee, turn on computer, do kid things, take kids to school and then back to my coffee and computer. I usually read some local news, facebook, then some national, facebook... so on and so forth.

However, something happened this morning that has been nagging at me all day. I can't stop thinking about it. A Facebook friend of mine shared a link that I went to. Immediately, the tears started streaming down my face. Staring back at me was an 18 year old college student named Tyler Clemente, a very handsome and talented young man. I put the top down on the computer and proceeded to cry. I got a lot of housework done today trying to keep Tyler and his family from my mind. I even cleaned the tops of my kitchen cabinets and everything on them...which is a lot of junk cuz I'm a junk lover but anyway.

I am certain that most, if not all of you are familiar with what happened at Rutgers University this past week. His body was found yesterday. But in case any of you are not, Rutgers Student Apparent Suicide.

This story has made me sick all day long. What is wrong with people? The COLLEGE students in this case should have known their actions wrong...wrong, wrong, wrong. Besides the fact that it is a crime~ a moral code of conduct was broken~ Honestly, there is no way they can say that they didn't know what they were doing was wrong! Did they not think of the consequences or the what if's. Not only for Mr. Clementi, but also for themselves if they were held accountable in a court of law.
After the fact, The Clementi- the Wei and the Ravini families will never be the same. Nor will the life of the other innocent victim who was obviously a friend of Mr. Clementi's. In fact, I hope that his identity will not be released to the media, save him that much grief. I would just like to know what the intent was behind Mr. Ravini taping his roommate. Mr. Ravini knew what was happening in that room and deliberately more than once tried taping and posting for everyone to see. Even making comments and tweeting about what he had done. How mortified do you think this young lad was? Especially if his sexual preference was not yet something he himself was comfortable with. Being freshly out of High School and in the College scene may have broken down the door of accepting who he was, but to have it broadcast for all of humanity to see may have...well, obviously it was too much to bear. How tragic that his only recourse was to take his own life. If his parents were unaware of his sexual orientation, which I highly doubt they were, I'm positive that having a gay son is better than having no son at all.

What a long road lies ahead for each of these families and the friends who's lives have been affected by this unnecessary tragedy. Forever changed-never to be the same. Yes, the offenders will be punished, but what is that to a mother who is grieving. Revenge comes to my mind, but I know that is not an answer either.

Being 35, I've lived a while... not so long that I don't remember what life was like being inbetween. You know, that age somewhere between 18 and 30. In fact, while I was in college I wrote a paper about desensitizing. It's only been ten years since I wrote that paper ... after reading it again today I conclude that society itself has become desensitized. Television, the Internet, Video Games, Videos, even the music in our children's ipods can be too much. While my children were young I sensored everything. From television to music. They were taught what was appropriate and what wasn't. I believe we must protect our children at all cost, even if others find us extreme and controlling. Believe me, I was and am a controlling mother but... I know in my heart when my children walk out that door to take life on, they have been given the tools and the love, the respect, and the consequences for bad judgment. I am comfortable cutting the strings and letting them live. Will they make mistakes, I hope so. I am confident however, that the children that leave this home would not betray, harass, bully or be an ugly person in general to people young and old alike just because they can. I feel this is an epedemic in our country, spreading like cancer to our children. If it is not stopped, what will be in store for the next generation? What a scary thought-

Personally I have lost several people in my life to suicide. My freshman year was the first. Then my first husbands best friend . Then my uncle and then his one and only daughter, my cousin. Another friend hung himself, and yet another locked himself in a garage with the cars running. I know loss, but not like that of my grandmother or my Aunt Teri, or any of the other Mothers' in this world who have lost a child to suicide. It really is an ugly word.

My thoughts are with the Clementi's- I have prayed and lit my candle and asked for comfort in this hour for his family...and may you rest in peace Tyler Clementi~

A Sad and Discouraged Onreeone- Angie

Practical Magic...

2010-09-25T01:35:00.000-05:00

PRACTICAL MAGIC- what a catchy name for a movie. I have yet to read the book and to be honest, I never knew the book existed until a short while back. The movie was first introduced to me by a very dear friend. She in fact named her daughter Jillian after the movie.

ALL MY FAVORITE PRACTICAL MAGIC MEMORIES

I love to make collages- so with the Practical Magic Blog Party- that's what I did. Truth be told, I never realized until doing these collages that this beautiful home is still not sitting someone out on a point over looking the sea. This first collage captures the floor plan of the home with its most amazing stove top and a few of my favorite pictures from the movie.

This next one depicts what every witch needs and that hat...that hat that Aunt Francis wore, I want one, but at a cost over over a $1,000.00, I think I'll be wanting a long while.

And then come on inside- take a peek--that kitchen is to die for and the pantry. The set designer for this project depicted everything in such detail. The staircase that seemed to go on and on forever is amazing!

Ok- more shots of the kitchen and the table scapes. And what good witch doesn't have a lot of candlesticks...such a must for us witchy ones.

I dream of someday living in a place where water surrounds me. Where sisterhood is real and love never fails. I guess being that I have never had a sister, I don't know the bond that they can share. But I can dream and oh, I do! Having daughters so close in age as mine I see a resemblence in Jilly and Sally in my girls. Polar opposites but yet so alike.

Apothecary jars have always called to me. I several collections which I've dug up myself or found in thrift shops that I love to decorate with. Some, I use for oils, but mostly I just love the flavor and the mystery behind the old jars. The teranium is one of my favorite rooms also. A magical garden inside where at night the stars shine thru to cast just enough light to feel the calm of the tranquil environment.

I Hope everyone enjoyed the collages as much as I enjoyed making them.
Practical Magic makes me feel happy. I'ts one of those movies I can pop in the DVD on a bad day, watch and smile.

Wouldn't it be awesome to jump off a rooftop on Hallows Eve with all of our sisters...if only in my dreams!

and here's some lavender for LUCK

So now how bout a nice video to take you along your witchy way! I love this song and oh yes....Stevie Nicks~

Expressions Etc.

2010-09-24T03:11:00.000-05:00

Hello all you wonderful fellow bloggers in blogworld!!!

I have an exciting new shop to tell you all about!!!!!

Well, its' not my shop , but if you order something from her shop, I get free merchandise. Let's just say--I have a lot of stuff I want for everyday, but with the Holiday's coming up all too soon for most of us these could be perfect Christmas gifts for those hard to buy for friends and family. Everyone loves something personalized and that's what this shop is all about.

My friends name is Tiffany and she recently started doing logos and decals for all us new North Macer's. Her business is really picking up but I thought if my blogger buddies could pop over and take a peek at what she has up that would be super fantastic. Plus, don't forget she will customize anything for you, she's just that kindof girl. Thanks for clicking on the button UP THERE that will take you over to her shop.

Here's a few things I've had her do recently


above her bed in her dorm room...


Above the boss's door...well, former boss!!!

Thanks for going over and taking a look--while your at it, buy something! Remember, its customized just for you. How could you go wrong. Plus, her work is guaranteed to add a touch of class to any wall...

Lovin me some EXPRESSIONS~ Angie